Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Virtual Coffee – A Power Tool for Connecting


What if you had a way to give free positive publicity to one of your key connections or influencers? Would you do it?

Recently I joined the community of More Clients More Fun to learn more ways to leverage the power of LinkedIn to build strong relationships.

I was intrigued with one of the strategies suggested by the program’s creators, Ana Melikian, Paul McManus and JoAnne Henein.

What’s the idea?

Set up a “Virtual Coffee” video call with the person online and record the conversation. You conduct the interview and focus the spotlight on the other person. 

Who could you interview?

- Current clients who know you well

- Prospective clients and other connections you’d like to add value to
- Influencers whose work you admire and want to promote – such as best-selling authors or celebrity speakers
The possibilities are limited only by your imagination!

And what kinds of questions could you ask during such a conversation?  

A few suggestions…

What is your business/practice/role in your company all about?

Your background is X. How did you transition from that into what you’re doing today?

What is the WHY behind what you do?

Who do you serve? Who are your ideal clients?

What changes/improvements are you seeing as a result of the work you’re doing?

What’s the most rewarding part of your job/work?

What is your favorite quote and why?

How can people reach you?

The beauty of this kind of interview is that you’re truly being of service to another person. You’re providing THEM with a platform to get positive exposure without having to promote themselves.

Lisa Wozniak is an active member of the More Clients More Fun, and I sent her a connection request after seeing her on one of their recent webinars. At the end of a lively initial phone conversation, she graciously invited me to have a Virtual Coffee with her.

Lisa sent me several of the questions listed above, and I gave thought to my answers prior to our next call, which she recorded on Zoom.

What a blast! 

The result is an 18-minute video that I believe will energize and inspire you. Here’s our Virtual Coffee!
If this idea appeals to you, commit to implementing it. Make a list of a few people you’d like to interview and invite the first one.
Who knows what doors will open to other opportunities when you focus on highlighting the good work that others are doing in the world?
If you’d like to know more about More Clients More Fun, I encourage you to check out their website and sign up for their free webinar, “10-Point Checklist to Enroll More Clients Using LinkedIn.” You’ll discover several ways you can update your profile to speak to your ideal clients.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Astonish People with Radical Generosity


On rare occasions I read a book that blows the lid off my thinking about a specific topic. Giftology is that kind of book. It’s forever changed the way I approach gift-giving.

I’ve known for a long time how important it is to express appreciation to those who’ve impacted my life in a positive way – especially through hand-written notes and thoughtful gifts.

But in his outstanding book, Giftology, author John Ruhlin introduced me to several ideas that I’d never considered before.

These are life-changing concepts, not just in the TYPES of gifts I choose to give in the future but in the way I THINK about gift-giving.

Just one example: Think in terms of “RADICAL generosity.” 

Ask yourself, “What’s the MOST I can do?” instead of “What’s the LEAST I can get away with?” John doesn’t advocate breaking the bank, especially if you’re on a shoestring budget. But he does encourage you to always ask:

“What can I buy that’s best in class and within my budget?”

I started reflecting on gifts that I had received over the years that impressed and touched me…

One of our resellers who sent each person in my company a huge box of gift wrap, bows and ribbons for holidays, birthdays and other special occasions. It was truly a memorable gift that lasted for YEARS, so we thought of this person often.

Two of my favorite coaches, Steve Chandler and Jason Goldberg sent books and CDs to everyone who subscribed to their free Web TV show, The Not-So-Serious-Life.


Steve Chandler is also one of my favorite authors. I’ve reviewed many of his books on Amazon and promoted them in my social media accounts. In appreciation, his publisher Maurice Bassett has sent me complimentary copies of newly-published books, sometimes multiple copies!

For example, I received 20 copies of a special edition of The Velveteen Rabbit – I’ve shared these with parents with young children and donated others to our local library.

By far, the most astonishing gift I’ve ever received was from leadership expert Marshall Goldsmith.

In 2009 I created a video using PowerPoint and voiceover that illustrated how our product, 20/20 Insight, accomplished several of the recommendations in Marshall’s book, What Got You’re here Won’t Get You There. I emailed Marshall to let him know what I’d done and 10 minutes later he called me.

But that was not the big surprise.

He was so appreciative that I had done that, he offered to send me 100 copies of his book AND to personally address and autograph them if I sent the first names of the recipients. It was an astounding offer and one that many of our clients and resellers appreciate to this day.

In case you’d like to watch the video that sparked his phone call to me, I’ve included it here.
John Ruhlin’s ideas go beyond amazing your clients and customers.

If you’re a business owner or executive, what could you do to astonish your EMPLOYEES?

John provides each member of his team with a remarkable gift – paying to having their homes cleaned every two weeks. They LOVE this benefit. It’s something they wouldn’t do for themselves, and the payoff for them and their families is less stress, with more quality time together doing activities they enjoy.

If you’re committed to building strong relationships that lead to referrals and raving fans, grab a copy of Giftology, devour John’s powerful message, then implement his ideas with the most important people in your life.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Just Hit Send – A Call to Action and Transformation

I have never read a book like Jody Vehr's before.

Just Hit Send has a riveting story line and reads like one of those novels you can’t put down.

But it’s so much more.

Jody's writing style immediately captured my mind, heart and spirit…and held me captive throughout the entire book. This is the true story of a woman who faced incredible challenges and prevailed despite her raging inner critic and ongoing self-doubts.

It’s also a beautiful love story, showing how strong and emotionally healthy a union can be when both people work on their own growth in advance of meeting each other.

I loved Jody’s willingness to be vulnerable with the reader. She doesn’t hesitate to describe her dismay, shock, and angst as she reveals the details of her life’s journey. I could identify with many of her limiting thoughts and false beliefs. I believe they are universal, but I’d never before experienced anyone capturing them in such an emotionally compelling way.

I’m a huge fan of Steve Hardison’s work (his 2-hour video on TBOLITNFL.com is profound) and Steve Chandler’s books (including the one she references in her book, Time Warrior), so it was an unexpected bonus to discover the ways each of these coaches contributed to her transformation. In fact, Jody’s retelling of her phone conversations with Steve Hardison is worth the price of the book alone because he demonstrates love and service in action.

This is a wonderfully written book that has deeply touched my life and forever changed how I see myself and the world. If you’re seeking a spiritual transformation in your own life, I highly recommend you grab a copy of this book, absorb the wisdom in its pages and start living anew.

This sentence from the book describes what happened for me:

“Whatever we find beautiful, inspiring and magnificent in another human being is simply our own soul saying hello to itself.”

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

How to Prepare High School Students for Life


Even though it’s been more than 40 years ago, I can still clearly remember the day my parents dropped me off to start my college career. I had no idea what to expect. They had brought all six of us kids up with a strong moral compass, but I know I wasn’t prepared for all the challenges and choices I’d face in that first year and throughout my college life.

I had to feel my way through the process, and I made a lot of mistakes along the way. A lot. 

If only I’d had a manual…

Dennis Trittin’s book, What I Wish I Knew at 18, IS that manual. It’s the perfect book to prepare young adults for life after high school.

The idea for writing it was inspired by Dennis’ experience when it came time to send his own son off to college. He realized there were many things he wanted his son to know, and he made a detailed list, which evolved into the expanded text that became this book. You can feel his heart and hard-earned wisdom on every page.

Dennis takes a holistic approach, covering all aspects of life—developing yourself into a person of character, dedicating yourself to learning in both school and work, building strong interpersonal skills so you’re effective with everyone important to you, and investing time to the spiritual dimension.

This is the kind of book you’ll want to give as a gift to high school students and graduates alike because it’s filled with a powerful combination of principles and practical applications. There’s excellent advice on choosing a satisfying career, whether it’s right out of high school or after a two- or four-year degree.

Dennis includes specific steps and tips for college students on their own for the first time, such as developing positive study habits and preparing for tests and exams. And there’s not a job-seeker in the world who couldn’t benefit from Dennis’ advice on setting yourself apart during an interview and establishing yourself as a star employee who gets rave performance reviews. These chapters in the book are pure gold!

Dennis understands his audience, recognizing the need for short reflection activities. He’s built in “Take Five” exercises, which help readers think about how they can apply the key points at the end of each section.

And throughout, he makes the concepts both memorable and useful through personal stories. This is a book that can positively impact young people’s lives…for the rest of their lives.

And if you’re an adult who works with groups of high school students – such as a teacher or guidance counselor - check out the Study Guide for What I Wish I Knew at 18 that Dennis wrote with Arlyn Lawrence. It’s an excellent companion to the book, with exercises and supplementary material that help students internalize the lessons from the book.

Friday, November 6, 2015

How to Achieve True Collaboration at Work


"Everyone carries with them at least one piece to someone else's puzzle." 
- Lawrence Kushner, American author (1943- )

Unfortunately, “collaboration” is not visible in many workplaces. Instead, there’s competition and jockeying for position. In places I’ve worked – either as an employee or as a consultant with clients – I faced politics and bureaucracy that undermined efforts to create a collaborative environment. And yet, this ideal IS possible to achieve.

In The Collaboration Breakthrough, authors Amy Pearl, Stephanie Phibbs and Diane Roesch provide a practical structure with detailed steps for establishing exactly this kind of culture.

I enjoyed the fable told in first person, with diverse characters I recognized from my own work experience. The authors stress the importance of approaching people differently, according to their style – so communication is easier. I liked that a balanced perspective was presented, focusing on what each manager’s strengths (and overuse of the strengths) look like in action and the best ways to speak to someone based on what’s important to them.

The model for achieving a collaboration breakthrough consists of 5 C’s:

CONFIDENCE – This is not about self-confidence but more about the trust and confidence you need to have in others.

CONVERSATIONS – Three types of conversations are described, with realistic sample scripts provided for each. I liked these examples because they helped me see what this sounds like when interacting in specific situations.

COMMITMENT – These 5 questions a powerful means for unlocking creativity, stimulating dialogue and coming up with solutions that everyone can support.

CLARITY – Clear, simple directions for writing a one-page Playbook (love the brevity!) that states the desired outcomes and what’s needed to reach them.

COURAGE – Ask a fundamental question, “What have I got to lose?” and then commit to action.

This framework is illustrated through the fable and then summarized by the authors in the last section of the book. The writing style is conversational and engaging to read. When I read a book like this, I’m looking for specific ideas I can apply to improve my business AND myself. I found both here.

I highly recommend this book if you’re looking for ways to have people work together more effectively to achieve the important goals of your organization.

“Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.” 
- Henry Ford, American business leader (1863-1947)

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Dramatically Improves Sales Productivity through Systematic Coaching

Many managers fail to engage in one activity that could make a huge difference in the performance of their team members: COACHING

I had the opportunity to discuss WHY this happens and HOW to become an effective coach in a recent interview with Andy Paul on his excellent podcast, Accelerate!


Andy’s show covers topics like sales, leadership, management, training and coaching. Andy’s own work is focused on sales managers and salespeople, and he's written two excellent books that should be on the shelves of anyone in sales: Zero Time Selling and Amp Up Your Sales.

The topics we covered in our time together apply to any leaders and individuals interested in their own development.

I invite you to listen to this interview and learn:

  • The difference between MANAGING and COACHING
  • Why some managers avoid the coaching role
  • How managers can become more effective coaches
  • 5 questions a manager can ask when an employee makes a mistake or a salesperson loses a sale
  • Why an attitude of SERVICE beats sales tactics in building a relationship
  • How to use listening to stand out

Friday, October 9, 2015

Create a Coaching Culture and Reinforce Training with Support Coaches

 
After people have attended an outstanding training program, there’s often an afterglow of good feelings for the instruction they received. They’re eager and motivated to use what they learned. The assumption is that if the training is excellent, and the learners buy into the content, they’ll apply the skills back on the job.

But this isn’t what really happens. 

All too often people revert back to what they’ve always done. After years of doing things the old way, their brains are literally wired for that behavior, while the new skills haven’t yet had a chance to do that. So even though learners agreed with the new way, in the busy workplace they failed to make a conscious, consistent effort to apply it and the old work habits kicked in. The skills they learned about didn’t “stick.” This is why so many people get discouraged and give up trying, and the money invested in learning and development doesn’t transfer to improved performance on the job.

A recent conversation I had with an executive at a fast-growing start-up reveals why this happens. He told me that in his 34 years as a manager with a Fortune 500 company, there had never once been follow-up after the training programs he attended. He said that most of the training didn’t stick…with him or anyone else.

It takes lots of repetition to rewire the brain for a new skill, and a long-term reinforcement process is needed for people to accomplish this. Training is the essential first step, but it can only be the beginning. For quite a while afterwards, people will need reminders, encouragement, feedback and accountability so they continue to apply what they learned. In other words, they need COACHING.

Think about professional athletes in individual sports like golf and tennis. They continuously invest in coaches who show them ways to take their game to the next level. Then they apply what they learn over and over, getting feedback during practice and analyzing how to improve the next time. This ongoing process takes time, but with coaching it results in improved performance.

Coaching is also a key reason why 12-step programs and Weight Watchers have been so successful for decades. To achieve their goals, participants need to make changes to ingrained lifestyle habits. The support of a sponsor and other caring individuals helps them stay on track as they adopt new behavior patterns.

If it’s such a critical component in the formation of lasting, positive habits, why don’t more organizations make coaching an integral part of the learning experience?

Some companies do bring in external coaches for their executives, but it’s just not economically feasible to supply professional coaches for every person who attends training.

And it’s not necessary. What’s needed are a few people who care about the success of the learner and are willing to offer support coaching: reminding, giving feedback, encouraging, holding accountable. These are commonsense helping behaviors you’d want employees to use with each other anyway.

Who could play this kind of support coaching role? Coworkers. Colleagues. Other participants in feedback and learning programs. Course instructors. The person’s manager.

To make your training programs “stick,” consider how you could enlist support coaches for participants in your learning and development programs, so they get the follow-up they need to ingrain the new skills and improve their performance.

CLICK HERE to access 9 Support Coaching videos and an ebook as my gift to you. Learn how you can empower managers and employees alike to be support coaches and create a coaching culture in your organization.




Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Are You Leading with GRIT?


No, I’m not talking about the determination and resolve you need when taking on a challenging project or trying to tough it out through a difficult time. That kind of grit is certainly required for anyone to succeed in life.

I’m referring to the acronym that Laurie Sudbrink created in her terrific book, Leading with GRIT. In this context, GRIT® stands for the four elements leading the way to success…Generosity, Respect, Integrity and Truth.

Laurie’s consulting work with clients has been influenced by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, which I summarized in an earlier post. In her book, she masterfully incorporates his teachings into her message, infusing them with her own style and adding her unique insights and applications.

As I read each chapter, I found myself nodding in agreement with the points Laurie made. Her style is conversational and engaging, so I was drawn in. I thought about how each of the four elements applied to me. For example, the chapter on Integrity helped me recognize ways that I get out of integrity with myself, when my actions are not aligned with my stated values or goals.

I love gaining a deeper understanding of my motivations, attitudes and beliefs. Laurie helped me do that through her stories, questions and models.

Laurie’s models were depicted with easy-to-understand diagrams. She reinforced them throughout the book, showing how to apply them in specific situations. This was very effective and prevented them from being vague concepts or principles.

For example…

The Accountability Ladder makes it easy to see if your attitudes and behavior fall into the bottom rungs of a “reactive, victim, powerless” mode or the top rungs where you are “proactive, responsible, and powerful.”

Also, at the end of each chapter, readers are asked: “What SHIFT will you make?” 
S – Scan the chapter for topics you resonate with.
H – Hone in on just one or two with the greatest potential for impact.
I – Imagine the positive impact.
F – Figure out your plan for staying on track.
T – Take action NOW.

Answering these questions is a valuable exercise for any book, article, video or podcast you’re consuming. How will you actually apply the ideas you’re acquiring? Knowledge alone is just the first step.

This book is not just for people in official leadership positions. It’s a great read for anyone who’s willing to take an honest look within and learn more effective ways to identify and align with your truth so you can act with integrity, show respect to others and adopt an attitude of generosity with everyone you encounter in life or at work.

“When we align to our truth, we are more confident in ourselves, our decisions, and the results. We have clarity and direction. We are more efficient in the things we do. We decide and act, without wasting time wondering or even regretting after we’ve made the decision.” – Laurie Sudbrink

Thursday, April 2, 2015

How to Help Everyone in an Organization Become a Coach

When I got my first job as a supervisor, I was given no training on how to be an effective leader. I made a lot of mistakes. And I had absolutely no idea how to coach my direct reports on to improve their performance.

Unfortunately, what I experienced is not uncommon.

Companies often invest huge amounts of money and time training managers on the technical aspects of their job yet don’t make a similar investment teaching them how to lead and coach others.

As I read Thomas G. Crane’s excellent book, The Heart of Coaching, I got to thinking about how many folks (including me back then) could benefit from having a solid process to follow.

Tom Crane has written a comprehensive guide that has the potential to transform any company into one with a widespread “coaching culture,” where everyone in the organization is empowered with the skills and tools to provide coaching to each other.

Sound too good to be true?

It’s not, if you follow Tom’s simple three-phase model:

Phase 1 – The Foundation, where you establish a strong, positive relationship that serves as the basis for coaching.

Phase 2 – Feedback Loop, where you learn how to share behavior-based feedback and engage in a genuine dialogue.

Phase 3 - Forwarding-the-Action, where you create positive momentum and a sustained commitment to change.

One of the things I value most about the way Tom covers each of these phases is the clear picture he paints about HOW to perform the various coaching skills. He emphasizes many that I've come to realize are critical to building trust and establishing a positive coaching relationship, such as:

Listening, giving the person your full attention and demonstrating that you’re actually “getting” the message.

Asking open-ended questions, to avoid telling or giving advice and to learn more about the situation and the person’s current thinking.

Engaging in dialogue, to understand a person’s perspective in an effort to appreciate what’s important to that individual.

Giving constructive feedback, making sure it’s balanced, fair, respectful and behavior-based.

This book is an important read for internal coaches and coaches alike, so both groups understand what to expect and how to make the most of the coaching relationship. In addition to the model, Tom provides a wealth of tips and insights that ensure smooth implementation.

If you study and follow the profound wisdom of this model, you can help your company experience the kind of coaching culture where everyone engages in respectful coaching conversations that lead to better relationships, improved performance, and a place where people actually look forward to coming to work.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Judy Robinett: A True Power Connector

A few years ago I got a phone call from a woman I’d connected with on Twitter. She had been following my blog and the blog of my business partner, Denny Coates, and said she was very impressed with our content. She said we were the kind of people she liked to connect with. Of course, I liked her immediately!

She proceeded to ask lots of questions about our focus and business, expressing genuine interest along the way.

Then she told me she wanted to introduce me to a couple of people she’d recently met on LinkedIn. True to her word, she followed up afterwards with emails to me and these individuals, explaining why she thought we should know each other.

She said she considered herself a “power connector” and took great joy in bringing people together.

After that initial conversation, she emailed me regularly, sending articles she thought I’d be interested in and recommending associations that could lead to some positive new contacts.

I was impressed. But then we lost touch for a while.

Fast forward to November 17, 2014, when she was the featured guest on my favorite podcast, I Love Marketing.

When I saw her name – JUDY ROBINETT – I made listening to that interview a top priority because I just knew it would be packed with valuable content. And it was.

Judy delivered a wealth of actionable ideas, and even the hosts, Joe Polish and Dean Jackson (master connectors themselves), were taking notes.

I clicked over to Amazon and ordered her book, How to Be a Power Connector: The 5+50+100 Rule for Turning Your Business Network into Profits, before the end of the interview. If she delivered this much useful information in just an hour, I was confident that much more awaited me in her book.

And I was right.

In fact, I was astonished at the comprehensive, yet simple, system she maps out in her book.

Even if you don’t aspire to be an over-the-top power connector like Judy, her book contains absolutely the best approach I’ve seen for helping you think strategically about forming alliances with others.

An often-repeated theme throughout the book is to adopt a “giver” mindset. She advises you to seek first how you can add value, value, value and more value to others before asking for anything.

She exemplified this approach in her initial call to me, and she’s continued refining the process ever since. In fact, her book reflects 25 years of practice and refinement. She has emerged as a true master of her system.

The core idea is 5+50+100. 

You make a list of all your current connections and then organize the top 155 into 3 power circles.

Top 5. Your innermost circle is composed of the individuals closest to you, usually close family, friends and business associates. These are people you’d trust your life with.

Key 50. These are friends and associates you can call on for help or advice—and they know they can do the same with you.

Vital 100. You want this group to be diverse, with a wide variety of locations and roles.

Judy provides all the details for preparing, connecting, engaging, providing value and deepening these relationships. She explains exactly how to build a robust network that’s deep, wide and diverse.

Throughout the book, she provides examples of how she has implemented her own system over the years. She has ingrained these skills to the point that she automatically looks for ways to connect people with others who can help them solve their most pressing problem or need.

No one operates in a vacuum. You need positive relationships to get things done, whether it’s running your own business, leading a team, or tackling a challenging project. Judy’s book teaches you how to achieve the kinds of meaningful relationships and connections that positively impact everyone involved.

“Every person has a gift to give and receive, and every person has problems that he or she needs help to solve. When you engage with others by looking for their gifts and problems, and when you seek to understand and add value consistently, you will build the kind of profound relationships that will enrich both of your lives and businesses.”  
– Judy Robinett in How to Be a Power Connector

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Do You Talk Too Much about Yourself?

I’d arrived a few minutes at the beauty salon for my hair appointment. While I was waiting for my stylist to arrive, I couldn’t help overhearing the only other stylist who was there with a client.

“Sheila” was talking non-stop about a worker’s compensation situation involving her brother. He had been seriously injured on the job a year ago and had not worked since. Things were finally reaching a resolution, and Sheila was giving her client a blow-by-blow account of everything that had been taking place.

Soon my stylist “Beth” arrived, and we started having our own conversation when I sat down in her chair. But not for long.

Right after Sheila’s client left, she came into Beth’s area and started repeating the same story she’d just relayed to her client. I noticed that Beth gave minimal responses and after Sheila’s next appointment arrived, I found out why.

Beth told me that for the past year, Sheila has been obsessed with talking to everyone within earshot about this situation. It saddened me to discover that she’s so pre-occupied with this one challenge that she never attempts to actually engage others in a real conversation. It hasn't occur to her to stop talking about herself long enough to inquire what’s going on with her clients and coworkers.

We all face difficulties and challenges. That’s part of life.

We all need encouragement and support to get through the rough spots.

But even during those times, you can look for opportunities to connect with others in a meaningful way.

Because continually talking about you and your life pushes people away. No one will want to listen to you for long if you focus exclusively on yourself.

Instead, set aside your own pain or situation for a few minutes and ask questions about how they are doing. You’ll derive these benefits:

1. You show another human being you’re genuinely interested in their wellbeing. Learning about the ups and downs in their lives can help you put your own challenges in perspective.

2. When you shift your focus to someone else with the intention of really hearing what they have to say, you stop thinking about yourself and your own problems, at least temporarily. You’re more available mentally and emotionally to respond to the needs of another person.

3. You become more aware that the world does not revolve around you. You can start thinking of ways that you can be of service to others.

Do you have a “Sheila” in your life? Do you find yourself avoiding this person?

I know I do.

In my limited time on earth, I prefer to interact with individuals who are not self-absorbed, who do not talk incessantly about themselves and who want to learn what’s happening in the lives of those around them.

Encountering someone like Sheila reminds me how I do and do not want to be around others, because one of my goals is to contribute something of value with each interaction.

“Genuine wisdom is usually conspicuous through modesty and silence. – Napoleon Hill

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Support Coaching Is Essential for New Habits


“Mastering any kind of skill takes time, effort and patience. Along the way, there’s much you can do to help someone stay on track.” 
– Dennis E. Coates, Ph.D. in Support Coaching

Do you know someone who’s trying to break a bad habit or form a new, positive one?

Think back to when you’ve attempted to make such a change. It’s not easy.

People will experience setbacks and failures as they work to adopt a new way that’s different from their familiar, comfortable pattern. Along the way, they’re likely to feel discouraged, frustrated, and disappointed with the lack of progress.

There’s a risk they’ll give up because the change sometimes feels too hard. They question if it’s worth the effort.

As a caring person, you’d probably like to help. But maybe you’re not sure what to do.

I can tell you from personal experience that offering advice, giving criticism or pointing out flaws – no matter how well-intentioned your motive – will not be welcomed or appreciated.

One of the best things you can do is become their “Support Coach.” And you don’t even have to get “certified” to serve in this role!

But you do have to know the kinds of things you can do that will be perceived as helpful...from their perspective.

A few surefire tips…

1 – Listen.

That’s right. Get the other person talking. What’s going well? What’s holding you back? 

Most people are absorbed in their own lives. Very few are interested in learning about the struggles of a fellow human being. You’ll stand out by just taking time to truly hear what’s going on in their head and heart.

2 – Encourage.

Offering encouragement starts with listening, and then builds on it. You affirm past successes and offer a balanced perspective. You ask what kind of support they’d like from you…and then you deliver.

3 – Guide learning from experience.

If we don’t learn from what happens to us, we’re likely to repeat the same mistakes going forward. Asking someone to think about what happened, why it happened that way, and what the consequences were draws out important insights that can be applied the next time.

There's additional value you add as a support coach, things that communicate you care about their progress as they’re working to make a change or deal with challenges.

My business partner of 24 years, Denny Coates, and I have created some new resources to show how you can become an effective support coach.

And they’re FREE!


Access 9 short videos and an ebook on Support Coaching.

Then apply what you learn.

The people who are trying so hard to make positive changes will appreciate the ways you show that you’re in their corner.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Conversations Overheard on a Blueberry Farm

Every summer my husband Lee and I visit a local blueberry farm to pick spray-free berries and stock up with a year’s supply. We usually avoid going on Saturday because of the crowd. But on this particular weekend, that was the only day we could go.

Lee and I are serious berry pickers.

We don’t talk much to each other during our time in the field. Instead, we focus on finding only the best, ripest berries and filling our buckets.

But apparently, for a lot of folks, picking berries is the preferred way to socialize with family and friends.

Since we’re not talking, we easily hear the conversations of those in close proximity.

Being the observer of people I am, I can’t help but notice the differences in the types of exchanges that take place, especially between adults and the children with them.

And I once again marvel at the opportunities adults have for positive influencing (or not) the young people in their charge.

Here are some exchanges that stood out for me…and why. (Note: Ages cited for children are best guesses, not verified).

Most ENDEARING (Mother and 5-year old Daughter)

Daughter: Mommy, here are some berries I picked. You can put them in your bucket.

Mother: Why thank you, honey. That’s very kind of you to share with me.

Daughter: Of course! You’re my mommy, and I love you.

My take: Children don’t naturally become sensitive to the needs of others. It takes effort on the part of their parents to help them become less self-centered. This brief exchange, along with other comments they shared, illustrated that this mother has invested time teaching her daughter to be thoughtful and considerate.

Most ANNOYING (Grandmother with 8 year-old Girl and 10-year old Boy)

Boy: It’s getting too hot out here, Grandma. (actual temperature: low 80s)

Girl: Yeah, I’m starting to get all sweaty.

Grandmother: It’s not fun when you got hot and sweaty. Would you like to quit now?

My take: I wanted to jump through the bushes and shake this woman when I heard her reply to these two whiners. It was a beautiful, sunny day – perfect for being outdoors. Instead of encouraging the kids to enjoy their time outside or assuring them that sweat is the body’s natural response or any other comment that would have communicated they had no basis for complaining, she sympathized with them. Her response did nothing to help these children develop mental and physical toughness.

Most HUMOROUS (Man at edge of field and Grandfather in middle of field)

Man: Is there a Grandpa King out there somewhere?

Grandfather: Yes, here I am!

Man: Great, I’ve got your grandson with me. He couldn’t find you.

Grandfather: Good luck to you! (everyone in the entire field laughs in unison)

My take: Later at the barn when we were paying for our berries, we saw the grandfather with his wife and grandson. Their interactions showed that he had probably only been half-joking with his earlier response. He didn’t seem to be enjoying his time with the boy. No matter what the grandson said or did, the man had a critical comeback. While I know children can try your patience, you can always find something to praise and affirm if you’re paying attention.

As adults, we’ve established closely-held beliefs about who we are and what we’re capable of. What we heard about ourselves as children from those whose approval means most to us – such as parents and grandparents – goes a long way to shaping the way we see ourselves.

No matter what role you have in the lives of the young people you interact with, you have the power with your words to enrich or diminish their self-image and the way they view the world.

And come to think of it, you also wield that same influence with everyone you interact with, no matter what their age.

“Treat a child as though he already is the person he’s capable of becoming.” 
- Haim Ginott, child psychologist, 1922-1973)

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

How to Eliminate the Drama in Your Life

I’ve been on a path of self-development for as long as I can remember…always on the look-out for books, podcasts, videos and quotes that inspire me to become more effective as a human being.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a book that’s had a profound impact upon the way I view myself and everyone I encounter. It’s about adopting a code of conduct that results in a deeper sense of happiness and well-being.

Early in life, we adopt beliefs about ourselves and the world, based on what we’re taught. Those beliefs form a “Book of Law” that becomes our inner Judge, judging everyone and everything in our lives—including ourselves. Without a conscious awareness of this presence, we can allow this Judge to make us feel guilt and shame for no good reason.

It takes courage to challenge the rules and beliefs you've embraced your whole life because they’re so familiar. And you risk activating the Judge in others if you deviate from behaviors they've come to expect from you.

The book recommends adopting four “agreements” that empower you to break away from beliefs that don’t serve you well.

Incorporating these four patterns can eliminate the drama in your life—both the drama you create within yourself and the drama you allow others to create by the way you react to them.

1st Agreement – Be Impeccable with Your Word

When I first read this one, I thought, I've got this covered. I consider myself a person of high integrity and I tell the truth. 

But there’s much more to this agreement…

Being impeccable includes being “without sin” in the way you treat yourself. Blaming and judging yourself are forms of self-rejection, so it’s important to avoid using “your word” against yourself. How much energy do you dedicate to loving yourself?

I have to admit, I've had to make a conscious effort to keep my inner critic from running rampant. It’s always been easier for me to dwell on how I fell short, what I did or didn't do well, instead of treating myself in a loving way and giving myself credit for the positive things I did.

Another aspect of this agreement is what we say to others and about others. Do you convey respect and kindness in your interactions with loved ones and strangers alike?

When you allow your Judge to criticize others – whether verbally or just in your own mind – you create a negative ripple effect. What can you do to inject more positive energy into conversations?

2nd Agreement – Don’t Take Anything Personally

You take things personally when you interpret a person’s words or actions as being about you. Most often, their reaction is about where they are at that moment.

If you’re like me, you may find that you’re most sensitive to others’ words when you’re experiencing self-doubts. It’s easy to take offense and jump into defending your actions or trying to prove you're right.

By adopting this agreement, you avoid unnecessary suffering and angst. You avoid being hurt by what others say or do. You trust your ability to sort through what’s said and make responsible choices going forward.

3rd Agreement – Don’t Make Assumptions

The problem with making assumptions is that we often believe our assumptions are true without verifying their accuracy.

We tend to expect others to see things the way we do, and we experience all kinds of negative emotions like frustration, anger and resentment when they don’t.

The solution is to have the courage to ask questions when you’re not absolutely clear what someone else meant in what they said or did.

And be ready to ask for what you want. Others cannot read your mind, even though you might wish they would. Never assume that they should know!

4th Agreement – Always Do Your Best

This last agreement is what allows you to make the first three deeply ingrained habits, because it’s about taking action.

If you consistently put forth your best effort – whatever that may be at a given moment in time – you silence that inner Judge. There’s no opportunity for guilt, blame or regret because you know you gave it your best shot.

When you do your best because you want to do it – just for the pleasure you get from doing it – you’ll find that you experience genuine happiness.

And accept that you won’t be perfect in implementing the first three agreements. But if you consistently do your best to apply each one, eventually your old habits will grow weaker and the new habits will dominate your thinking and behavior.

As I read this book, I realized that our ProStar Coach system exactly aligns with the Four Agreements. Its purpose is to give people the resources to become stronger for the challenges they’ll face with the first three. And its structure provides the perfect set-up for taking action and practicing in order to make the behavior an ingrained habit.

“If you do your best always, over and over again, you will become a master of transformation. Practice makes the master…Action is what makes the difference.” 
- Don Miguel Ruiz

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Do Words Impact Your Self-Beliefs?

Have you ever become discouraged by someone’s thoughtless comment about your abilities, performance, or appearance?

While it’s true you have the power to reject such negative input, if the remark came from a person you respect or admire, it’s not so easy to dismiss.

One unfortunate side-effect of allowing these comments to penetrate your consciousness is that you can start believing that these words are true and say something about your value as a human being.

If you’re not careful, you can let them re-shape the way you see yourself in a permanent way. And this altered perspective can impact choices you make for the rest of your life.

This almost happened to Vanessa Brewer, the first-year college student featured in Paul Tough’s New York Times Magazine article, “Who Gets to Graduate?”

Vanessa was an honors student in high school but struggled during her first semester at the University of Texas in Austin. After failing her first test in statistics, she called home. She was looking for reassurance from her mother, who had always been supportive. But rather than consoling Vanessa, her mother’s response planted seeds of doubt: “Maybe you just weren't meant to be there. Maybe we should have sent you to a junior college first.” 

Vanessa described the impact those words had on her: “I died inside when she said that. I didn’t want to leave. But it felt like that was maybe the reality of the situation. You know, moms are usually right. I just started questioning everything: Am I supposed to be here? Am I good enough?”

Think about this!

Those two sentences spoken by her well-meaning mother struck Vanessa so deeply that she started to question whether she deserved to be a student at UT.

Fortunately, UT has programs in place that encourage and support students like Vanessa who struggle with college life during their first year. These programs provide a support system that makes it safe for students to express their doubts and fears. They discover that they aren't alone and that others have prevailed after experiencing similar challenges.

Without a support system like this to plug into, your self-esteem could spiral downward whenever another person criticizes you.

A few tips to make sure that doesn't happen:

1. Evaluate if the statement is true. Even if it’s an accurate description of something you did, that incident does not define who you are.

2. Set up a positive support system. Make sure you have people in your life who are rooting for you to succeed. Reach out to them when your mind fills with self-doubt, because they can help you restore a balanced view of your worth.

3. Monitor your self-talk. If you find yourself repeatedly criticizing yourself for something you did or said, STOP IT. You cannot change the past, and a constant barrage of negative comments only brings on feelings of guilt and regret. Instead, forgive yourself quickly and move on.

"Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality." 
- Les Brown, American author (1945- )

Monday, June 2, 2014

Motivating Others – What Doesn’t Work

I vividly recall a scene from 8th grade, even though it happened almost 50 years ago.

I attended a Catholic school, and many of the teachers were nuns.

On this particular day, Sister “Mary” had just walked back into the classroom. We could tell she was angry but no one could guess why. She marched up to a student whose desk was in the front row, and she commanded him to stand.

When he did, she slapped his face and sternly said, “Your desk is out of line!”

His face turned bright red, most likely from embarrassment and the sting from the slap. He straightened his desk and sheepishly slithered back into his seat.

This was not the first or only occasion that Sister Mary delivered a slap to a male student that year.

While the girls were spared such physical abuse, they did endure degrading verbal attacks.

Sister Mary controlled the students in her classroom using fear and humiliation.

That approach worked if you measured results by compliance.

We were scared into a level of obedience that squelched any spark of individuality or creativity.

I’m sure Sister Mary thought she was teaching us valuable lessons. But in fact, she created an environment where students silently resented her actions and couldn’t wait to get away from her.

She had no clue about what it takes to motivate young people to give their best effort.

Unfortunately, some adults today continue to use such tactics to intimidate people at work, at home or at school. In their roles as boss, parent or teacher, they require strict observance of their rules. When those rules are not followed, there’s hell to pay.

There’s no attempt to understand the needs or wants of others. No interest in having a reasonable conversation to discuss alternative points of view.

And so, those affected by the person in authority can end up feeling threatened, humiliated or afraid. They might conform to the requirements, but they are repelled by the leader’s behavior.

They’re likely to become angry and resentful about the treatment they’re receiving. They may be outraged at the unfairness they’re experiencing personally or observing happen to others.

If you’re in a position to influence others, take a close look at your own approach.

As a parent, how do you respond when your children ask questions that challenge one of your rules? How often do you invite them to tell you the reasons behind requests they make so you can truly understand their perspective?

As a leader, what do you say or do to communicate to others that you value their ideas and contributions? That you appreciate who they are?

On a daily basis, examine ways that you may intimidate the important people in your life. Look closely at what you do or don't do to encourage and support them.

If you’re not sure how they perceive you, just ask what they’d like you to do more of and what they’d like you to do less of. You’ll discover what would truly motivate them to give their best.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Appreciation and Gratitude – Wisdom from Dan Sullivan and Joe Polish

Over the past year, my favorite podcast has become 10X Talk, hosted by Joe Polish and Dan Sullivan. These two highly successful entrepreneurs share extraordinary wisdom about life and business in their regular 30-minute conversations.

Joe has been a member of Dan’s Strategic Coach program for more than 13 years, and when you listen to the brilliant statements that come from Dan’s mouth, it’s easy to understand why. Since 1974, Dan has personally coached more than 6,000 entrepreneurs, and his insights contain immense value for anyone interested in pursuing personal excellence.

In a recent episode he described the key difference he’s discovered between people who have a tough time in life and those who seem to have an easy time: the active pursuit of GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION in their life, their experiences, and their relationships.

Those who have an easier time approach every situation with a sense of gratitude.

Those who struggle are “on the take.” They aren’t interested in giving; they’re looking to get something. As a result of this attitude, they often experience negative emotions such as envy, anger, frustration and resentment.

Dan cited two definitions of “Appreciate” from the Oxford English Dictionary, and his interpretations brought entirely new associations to my mind.

1. Create increased value. 

We often think about THINGS appreciating in value, such as real estate or stocks.

Dan extended the definition to include PEOPLE and made this connection: When you appreciate someone and express your gratitude, you actually increase their value in two ways: “First of all, you take up the value of that in your own mind, but in expressing it, you actually take the other person’s sense of value up of who they are and what they’re doing.”

2. Fully understand.

This definition has typically been used in a military setting, when scouts were sent out to fully understand or “appreciate” the battlefield and then report back.

Dan applies this to his everyday life by consciously choosing to understand the importance and value of a person he’s about to interact with.

What he does…

Before meeting with the individual – whether it’s a business or social setting – he writes down 8 things he’s grateful for about that person. He focuses on who they are and how they act, not whether they've ever done anything for him.

This exercise sets him up for the conversation with two critical elements that tie in directly with the two definitions above:
1) A higher sense of the person’s value
2) A much fuller understanding of how significant they are

During the interaction, he never talks about the actual items on his list, but that individual picks up on his attitude. Dan’s words, tone and body language cause them to feel valued.

Do ever you find yourself criticizing others who are important to you – whether aloud or in your own mind? Maybe you’re having a tough time finding anything positive to say about them. Yet you live or work with them, and you need to interact with them on a regular basis.

What if you took a few minutes before your next conversation and made a list of 8 things you appreciate about that person?

As Dan has learned, you can “inject positive energy” into any situation if you proactively apply these two definitions of appreciation to the people in your life.

I highly recommend you listen to the complete episode in order to get the full benefit of Dan’s exceptional thoughts about developing a deep sense of gratitude for others.



Monday, March 31, 2014

Listening with Your EYES

For more than 25 years, I've been teaching people how to become better listeners.

During that entire time, I've emphasized the need to really understand what another person is trying to tell you. That involves paying attention to the words, tone of voice and body language.

But I realized another way to think and talk about this process recently, when I was being interviewed by Chris Efessiou on his radio show Straight Up with Chris.

Our EARS are not the only sensory organs that we need to engage to be effective listeners.

If we’re going to “get” a person’s complete message, we also need to use our EYES.

Chris and I were discussing why listening is the foundation for all other communication skills, and why it’s not just about hearing someone speak.

He teaches negotiations at two universities and emphasizes this point with students:

With the art and science of negotiating, 
80% of it is LISTENING and OBSERVING.

I've known for decades the truth of these words, but I hadn't thought about it in terms of using your eyes even more than your ears.

Ignoring what you see when communicating with others can cause you to miss a huge part of the message, often the most important part.

Suppose you’re talking with your teenage daughter. You’re telling her something and she says “Yes” to every point you make. Yet her posture clearly shows that she is not buying what you’re trying to sell her. If you’re not observing that part of her reaction, you’ll miss what she’s really conveying.

Or at work, you've made a difficult decision and announced it to another person who will be impacted by it. You ask if he’s OK with it and you get the response, “It’s fine.” But his body slumps in the chair, and disappointment is written on his face. Are you paying attention to his body language, in addition to his words?

Communication is hard. We don’t learn these essential skills in school, and often we focus on the wrong things – what we want to say, the strength of our position or rationale, attempting to persuade the other person to accept our point of view…

If we can take more time to zero in on others – to truly see who they are and how they’re reacting to our message – we’re much more likely to interpret their response accurately.

This dynamic gives us the opportunity to have real dialogue and go deeper. We can address the discrepancy between their words and their body language, and open the door for them to be honest with us about their real thoughts and feelings.

If you’re genuinely interested in “getting” another person, commit to using your ears and your eyes in every conversation. You may be astounded at what you learn…and what you've been missing.

And if you'd like to learn about other four communication skills I discussed with Chris Efessiou on his show, listen to the full interview.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Are You Living a BIG, FULL Life?

I was sitting in one of the church pews with my husband, daughter Alison and son-in-law. We were attending the funeral of a good friend, the father of one of Alison’s best friends.

His death had come as a shock. Just two weeks before, he’d been admitted into the hospital for a medical problem…and now he was gone.

The church was packed with family, friends, church members, and patients from his dental practice.

During the service, four people delivered touching eulogies. Reactions alternated between tears and laughter as each person shared special memories of their relationship with Harold.

The first speaker had been Harold’s friend for more than 50 years. They had met their first year at the University of Richmond and remained close throughout the decades.

And he was not alone. There were more than a dozen other men in attendance who could trace their relationship with Harold back to those early college years.

I found it remarkable that Harold had managed to maintain strong friendships with all these people. They had shared a love of U of Richmond football and basketball, attending games together whenever possible over the years. As the friend said, Harold was not a fan, he was a “fanatic” about the Richmond Spiders. Clearly, many of his buddies shared his passion and were equally committed to honoring their friend by attending this service.

The second speaker was a retired minister who had gotten to know Harold as pastor and friend almost 30 years before when he’d been assigned to this church. Again, he and Harold had remained close throughout the years, even as the pastor’s assignments had taken him hundreds of miles away.

Third up was Harold’s oldest of 5 grandsons, a 20-year old college student. He warned us that he was going to cry, and he did…along with everyone else in the church. He delivered a moving tribute to his grandfather, sharing some of their experiences and adventures. It was obvious he deeply admired the man he called “Grandpa” and would be forever impacted by the love and memories they’d created together.

Last to speak was Harold’s daughter, Alison’s friend, who is now an ordained minister herself. Despite her sorrow in the unexpected loss of her father, she was able to pay homage to her dad through her stories about their relationship. She spoke of his high expectations for her throughout her growing-up years. You could tell that, even as an adult, she held his opinion in high regard and valued his approval.

What came across loud and clear as each person spoke was the love and commitment that Harold had for those in his world. Each one recalled how kind and thoughtful he was. He took a genuine interest in others and was always eager to hear what was important to them.

This carried through in his work as well, where he practiced dentistry for over 30 years. He created a caring environment where his staff loved coming to work and his patients actually looked forward to going to the dentist. Many of them were loyal patients for all those years, bringing their children and grandchildren to his practice.

His wife Kathy said that he’d lived a BIG, FULL life. What a great statement. And it had nothing to do with the places he traveled or the money he earned.

No, Harold lived a life dedicated to creating special, memorable experiences for those he loved, just by his presence. He squeezed every ounce of enjoyment from everything he did, and he enriched the lives of all who were privileged to know him.

Think about your own life. What are you doing to make sure it’s BIG and FULL?

“Life is not a ‘brief candle.’ It is a splendid torch that I want to make burn as brightly as possible before handing on to future generations.” 
- George Bernard Shaw, British playwright (1856-1950)

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

How Do You React When Others Make Mistakes?

It was the end of a great week-end.

I had coordinated a 3-day field trip for people who love bird-watching. My husband Lee and I had helped lead groups to various locations around the Outer Banks.

We had 80 attendees, and everything had gone according to plan – lots of birds, good weather and friendly people.

After the tally on the last day – where we gather together and add up all the species seen – several people came up to me to thank me for a great weekend.

I was feeling pretty good until one woman approached me after the others had dispersed.

Everything about her body language screamed that she had strong negative feelings associated with what she was about to say.

“Meg” introduced herself and reminded me that she had registered for the trip via email a few weeks earlier. She was offended that, in my confirmation email, I had asked her if she was a member because her name was not on my copy of the membership roster.

She had replied with a caustic email saying she was a member and added a few other choice words. It turns out she had just paid her dues the week before, and she was quite annoyed that I didn't have the most current membership list to see that she had paid.

In my email response to that message, I apologized to her and even thanked her for setting me straight. I explained that my membership roster was 2 weeks old so I didn't have her name on my list.

But apparently that wasn't good enough.

She felt the need to continue the complaint in person.

I was taken aback and at a loss for words as I listened to her criticism of our process.

I couldn't imagine why anyone would get so upset over such a small thing. Why couldn't she let it go?

I can’t know that answer for sure, of course. But I can speculate, based on my decades of life on the planet interacting with other human beings...

When you don’t have strong self-esteem, it’s easy to take things personally.

You feel threatened by a perceived offense and react negatively. If you’re like Meg, your preferred mode is to verbally attack the other person.

It’s unfortunate, because this type of reaction only serves to damage relationships. Instead of drawing others to you so they can affirm your worth and value, they are repelled.

I feel sad for people like Meg because she chose to overlook the positives and focus on the negative. And then to dwell on those negatives for several days.

After all, this exchange of email messages had taken place weeks earlier.

The lessons I took away?

Be gracious when another person makes a mistake. You've made mistakes, too, and hope others won’t hold them against you indefinitely.

It’s unhealthy – mentally and physically – to allow negative emotions to dominate your way of being. Let go of perceived offenses as quickly as possible.

Don’t assume it’s about YOU. It probably isn't.

Every person you encounter has challenges and struggles. You can brighten their day…or cast a dark cloud over it. Your choice.

“Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year's time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.” 
- André Maurois, French author (1885-1967)