On rare occasions I read a book that blows the lid off my thinking about a specific topic. Giftology is that kind of book. It’s forever changed the way I approach gift-giving.

I’ve known for a long time how important it is to express appreciation to those who’ve impacted my life in a positive way – especially through hand-written notes and thoughtful gifts.

But in his outstanding book, Giftology, author John Ruhlin introduced me to several ideas that I’d never considered before.

These are life-changing concepts, not just in the TYPES of gifts I choose to give in the future but in the way I THINK about gift-giving.

Just one example: Think in terms of “RADICAL generosity.” 

Ask yourself, “What’s the MOST I can do?” instead of “What’s the LEAST I can get away with?” John doesn’t advocate breaking the bank, especially if you’re on a shoestring budget. But he does encourage you to always ask:

I started reflecting on gifts that I had received over the years that impressed and touched me…

One of our resellers who sent each person in my company a huge box of gift wrap, bows and ribbons for holidays, birthdays and other special occasions. It was truly a memorable gift that lasted for YEARS, so we thought of this person often.

Two of my favorite coaches, Steve Chandler and Jason Goldberg sent books and CDs to everyone who subscribed to their free Web TV show, The Not-So-Serious-Life.


Steve Chandler is also one of my favorite authors. I’ve reviewed many of his books on Amazon and promoted them in my social media accounts. In appreciation, his publisher Maurice Bassett has sent me complimentary copies of newly-published books, sometimes multiple copies!

For example, I received 20 copies of a special edition of The Velveteen Rabbit – I’ve shared these with parents with young children and donated others to our local library.

By far, the most astonishing gift I’ve ever received was from leadership expert Marshall Goldsmith.

In 2009 I created a video using PowerPoint and voiceover that illustrated how our product, 20/20 Insight, accomplished several of the recommendations in Marshall’s book, What Got You’re here Won’t Get You There. I emailed Marshall to let him know what I’d done and 10 minutes later he called me.

But that was not the big surprise.

He was so appreciative that I had done that, he offered to send me 100 copies of his book AND to personally address and autograph them if I sent the first names of the recipients. It was an astounding offer and one that many of our clients and resellers appreciate to this day.

In case you’d like to watch the video that sparked his phone call to me, I’ve included it here.
John Ruhlin’s ideas go beyond amazing your clients and customers.

John provides each member of his team with a remarkable gift – paying to having their homes cleaned every two weeks. They LOVE this benefit. It’s something they wouldn’t do for themselves, and the payoff for them and their families is less stress, with more quality time together doing activities they enjoy.

If you’re committed to building strong relationships that lead to referrals and raving fans, grab a copy of Giftology, devour John’s powerful message, then implement his ideas with the most important people in your life.

What if you delivered such profound service to your clients that one of them said something like this?

I received this testimonial from one of our resellers more than 10 years ago, and I cherish it to this day. In fact, we still work with Bud, and he continues to sing our praises to others.

We’re not perfect, of course. Even though I have emails, cards and messages from other clients who’ve worked with us for 20+ years, we don’t get it right 100% of the time.

But there are a few things we’ve done very well.

At the core…These actions are more about your way of BEING with people, not implementing a set of tactics. The common theme is SERVICE.

1. Make your initial conversations about the other person.

Whether it’s a phone call, Skype call or in-person meeting, prepare by asking yourself this question:

When you’re centered on that question, you’ll be able to feel relaxed and calm during the conversation. You won’t be waiting for your turn to speak so you can launch into the benefits of your product or service.

There won’t be any pressure on you to perform a certain way…or on the other person to buy something.

The purpose is NOT: How can I make a positive IMPRESSION?

Instead, it’s:

After that initial conversation, find reasons to stay in touch and continue serving them. As one of my favorite authors, Steve Chandler likes to say, look for ways to ASTONISH them.

• Recommend a book or podcast that helps them solve a problem. 
• Introduce them to someone who can help them reach their goals. 
• Send unexpected gifts or hand-written notes and cards. 

Take this approach and you will stand out. You’ll be memorable.

2. After they buy, make them feel valued – THANK and ASK.

Even though this happened several years ago, I’ll never forget the day I decided to invest in Ari Galper’s Unlock the Game sales course. Within 10 minutes of my clicking the Buy button on his website, my phone rang. It was Ari, calling to thank me for purchasing his course and assure me that I’d made a wise investment.

I’ve followed Ari’s model with our own clients, with great results. When people buy software, they’re often concerned that they’ll have challenges learning to use the product or will have trouble reaching a knowledgeable, responsive person when they need technical support.

Right after someone orders our software, I call and thank them for choosing us. And I promise them that we’re here to make sure they have a FANTASTIC experience using our program and working with us. That sets a positive tone right from the start.

As they use your product or service, be sure to ASK for their feedback and ideas – in a phone call or survey - to find out how you’re doing and get the information you need to make positive changes.

Here are 3 simple questions:

1. What do you like best about doing business with us?
2. What do you NOT like about doing business with us? 
3. What ONE THING could we do differently that would improve your experience with us?

You’ll be amazed what you learn that can help you deliver better service to all your clients.

3. Be clear about your core values, and live them.

Your values are the principles or beliefs that drive everything.

Ask yourself.
What do we stand for?
What guides our decisions and behavior?
What do we want to be known for?

An even more powerful question that goes to the heart of relationship-building:


Here are some of the principles that have guided our decisions and our actions for more than 30 years. These are also words our clients use when they send us unsolicited feedback.

Trust – Tell the truth about what is/is not possible with our software.

Integrity – Do what we say we’ll do and we follow through on commitments.

Fairness – Make decisions with the long-term view in mind, looking at what’s best for all involved. If in doubt, err on the side of making the client delighted with the outcome.

Responsive – Respond to phone calls and emails promptly. Resolve issues quickly.

Responsible – Readily acknowledge when we make mistakes, apologize and do everything we can to make it right. No excuses.

Flexible – Make exceptions or try something new to meet the needs of a specific client. We’re not bound by rigid rules or a bureaucracy.

Think of the clarity you’ll have when you create your own list of the values you want everyone in your company to adopt and live by.

Want more ideas?

Listen to this replay of my interview with Denise Griffitts on her radio show, “Your Partner In Success,” where she and I had discussed this same topic for a full hour!

Today I’m featuring a guest post from Guy Parsons and Allan Milham, co-authors of Out of the Question: How Curious Leaders Win, an important book for leaders who want to take their skills to a higher level. This article is an excerpt from Chapter 3.

We all know that communication is made up of the words we use, our tonality, and our body language. A big part of asking artful questions is to consider what is beyond the words.

Tonality

As the saying goes, “It isn’t what you say, but how you say it.” This difference can make or break a conversation. The tone you want to strike is one that makes your audience feel you’re coming at the conversation from the same side of the desk. It’s a we orientation versus a me and a you. It’s a solution-based system versus a problem-based process. It’s inviting and non-threatening. People, particularly millennials, are listening for the invitation to be a part of the conversation. When you’re stressed, the right words might come out, but the invitation should be, for example, “What do you think we can do to get from here to there?” You should avoid, “What are you young to do to get this done?”

Inflection

Years ago, Allan worked for TMI North American, an international consulting firm focused on creating compelling service cultures. One of the examples in their service program described how a shift of inflection or an emphasis on one word in a sentence can totally change the context. Often, the quality of the inflection in our tone of voice has a significant impact on the listener.

Body Language

What your body is saying may or may not be in line with your words. Staying calm and keeping eye contact will help you invite people into the conversation. Otherwise, people sense a disconnection. This is elementary to the human condition. When someone looks at you the wrong way, you think, “Gosh, what did I do?”
Obviously, fists on tables indicate declarations even if there are questions being asked. But turned-up and outstretched palms – either one or both – invite people into the discussion. An arm waved in a soft, open arc indicates, “I’m with you and we’re exploring.” Arms that are held in, or even worse, folded, indicate the speaker is closed. Some people are born frowners; others are natural smilers. We all need to take responsibility for how we posture when we’re in this kind of situation.

Context

The context is about what’s happening right here and now; it’s also about putting yourself in other people’s shoes and understanding how they’re affecting by what’s happening. You can ask a question, and it will mean one thing in an environment where things are going well, and something else entirely if things have gone poorly. This difference has to do with your audience’s frame of mind. Are your listeners in a positive mode or a worried mode? Obviously, asking, “How are things going?’ to a group of people who just experienced a 20% layoff is quite different from presenting the same question to a group who just exceeded its sales goals for the quarter.

This arena is where empathy, trust, and intent become important. If a leader can be empathetic, that will come across positively. On the other hand, if the person you’re talking to doesn’t trust you, it’s very hard to get the conversation going in the right direction. Many professional coaches suggest starting off a conversation by assuming positive intent. If you come in with positive intentions, the conversation will move ahead very differently and much more rapidly than if you assume negative intent.

Do you naturally assume positive or negative intent when you approach a situation?


Allan Milham’s work as a professional leadership and performance coach over the past 16 years has centered on using powerful questions. For Guy, 20+ years of delights and frustrations consulting with firms attempting to make operational and cultural transformations sparked an evolution in his relationship with his professional coach, Allan, and was the inspiration for Out of the Question: How Curious Leaders Win. Their book has sparked a new mindset and a practical approach to thriving in the competitive and evolving landscape that today’s leaders face.

I have.

But unfortunately, there are very few leaders who have this kind of impact. Most are eager to dispense advice and offer solutions instead of ask questions that cause others to think through a problem and come up with their own answer.

In their outstanding book, Out of the Question, authors Guy Parsons and Allan Milham make the distinction between KNOWER leaders and LEARNER leaders.

I love those terms because they accurately describe two very different styles of leadership.

Leaders who come from a Knower position feel the need to have all the answers and be perceived as the expert. Their egos are front and center because they’re concerned about being right. As a result, they’re often closed to new ideas and feel threatened by alternative explanations or solutions.

In contrast, Learner leaders don’t pretend to have all the answers. They recognize that others have important insights and experiences to contribute, so these leaders ask questions from a place of humility that encourage openness and sharing. They have genuine curiosity and are eager to solicit input that builds a solution much greater than just one person’s thinking.

This seems like common sense, but if you were to follow around managers in a lot of workplaces, you’re likely to observe a lot more controlled, closed discussions than those that invite opinions and ideas.

QUESTIONS are the first key!

Questions can encourage others to participate or shut them down.

Questions can build engagement, commitment and momentum or deflate the most enthusiastic employee.

And it’s not just the words you say, it’s how you say them that elicits a positive or negative reaction from those you’re interacting with.

Whether you’re at work or at home, the questions you ask as a LEARNER communicate to others that you really want to hear what they have to say. The positive result is that they feel valued and appreciated. They’re more likely to feel safe in being honest, especially when they disagree with you or want to express concerns.

PAUSING is the second key!  

After someone approaches you…or after they’ve responded to a question…don’t be in a hurry to jump in. Be comfortable with giving them time and space to THINK.

They may need to process information they’ve just heard. And not everyone is quick to articulate their ideas. Their brains may be busy evaluating alternatives and pondering consequences.

Also, apply the PAUSE to your own response to a situation. Reacting instantly does not always lead to a positive result. Thinking about how you can create instead of react leads to a better, more thoughtful response.

Observe people interacting, and you’ll see that most people seem to have a low tolerance for silence. If there’s a slight pause in the conversation, they jump in to fill the space. And yet, these silences can be powerful for both parties.

If you’re interested in taking your leadership skills to a higher level, read this thought-provoking book and commit to being a LEARNER leader who makes excellent use of QUESTIONS and PAUSES.

Unfortunately, “collaboration” is not visible in many workplaces. Instead, there’s competition and jockeying for position. In places I’ve worked – either as an employee or as a consultant with clients – I faced politics and bureaucracy that undermined efforts to create a collaborative environment. And yet, this ideal IS possible to achieve.

In The Collaboration Breakthrough, authors Amy Pearl, Stephanie Phibbs and Diane Roesch provide a practical structure with detailed steps for establishing exactly this kind of culture.

I enjoyed the fable told in first person, with diverse characters I recognized from my own work experience. The authors stress the importance of approaching people differently, according to their style – so communication is easier. I liked that a balanced perspective was presented, focusing on what each manager’s strengths (and overuse of the strengths) look like in action and the best ways to speak to someone based on what’s important to them.

The model for achieving a collaboration breakthrough consists of 5 C’s:

CONFIDENCE – This is not about self-confidence but more about the trust and confidence you need to have in others.

CONVERSATIONS – Three types of conversations are described, with realistic sample scripts provided for each. I liked these examples because they helped me see what this sounds like when interacting in specific situations.

COMMITMENT – These 5 questions a powerful means for unlocking creativity, stimulating dialogue and coming up with solutions that everyone can support.

CLARITY – Clear, simple directions for writing a one-page Playbook (love the brevity!) that states the desired outcomes and what’s needed to reach them.

COURAGE – Ask a fundamental question, “What have I got to lose?” and then commit to action.

This framework is illustrated through the fable and then summarized by the authors in the last section of the book. The writing style is conversational and engaging to read. When I read a book like this, I’m looking for specific ideas I can apply to improve my business AND myself. I found both here.

I highly recommend this book if you’re looking for ways to have people work together more effectively to achieve the important goals of your organization.

Many managers fail to engage in one activity that could make a huge difference in the performance of their team members: COACHING

I had the opportunity to discuss WHY this happens and HOW to become an effective coach in a recent interview with Andy Paul on his excellent podcast, Accelerate!


Andy’s show covers topics like sales, leadership, management, training and coaching. Andy’s own work is focused on sales managers and salespeople, and he's written two excellent books that should be on the shelves of anyone in sales: Zero Time Selling and Amp Up Your Sales.

The topics we covered in our time together apply to any leaders and individuals interested in their own development.

I invite you to listen to this interview and learn:

• The difference between MANAGING and COACHING
• Why some managers avoid the coaching role
• How managers can become more effective coaches
• 5 questions a manager can ask when an employee makes a mistake or a salesperson loses a sale
• Why an attitude of SERVICE beats sales tactics in building a relationship
• How to use listening to stand out

 
After people have attended an outstanding training program, there’s often an afterglow of good feelings for the instruction they received. They’re eager and motivated to use what they learned. The assumption is that if the training is excellent, and the learners buy into the content, they’ll apply the skills back on the job.

But this isn’t what really happens. 

All too often people revert back to what they’ve always done. After years of doing things the old way, their brains are literally wired for that behavior, while the new skills haven’t yet had a chance to do that. So even though learners agreed with the new way, in the busy workplace they failed to make a conscious, consistent effort to apply it and the old work habits kicked in. The skills they learned about didn’t “stick.” This is why so many people get discouraged and give up trying, and the money invested in learning and development doesn’t transfer to improved performance on the job.

A recent conversation I had with an executive at a fast-growing start-up reveals why this happens. He told me that in his 34 years as a manager with a Fortune 500 company, there had never once been follow-up after the training programs he attended. He said that most of the training didn’t stick…with him or anyone else.

It takes lots of repetition to rewire the brain for a new skill, and a long-term reinforcement process is needed for people to accomplish this. Training is the essential first step, but it can only be the beginning. For quite a while afterwards, people will need reminders, encouragement, feedback and accountability so they continue to apply what they learned. In other words, they need COACHING.

Think about professional athletes in individual sports like golf and tennis. They continuously invest in coaches who show them ways to take their game to the next level. Then they apply what they learn over and over, getting feedback during practice and analyzing how to improve the next time. This ongoing process takes time, but with coaching it results in improved performance.

Coaching is also a key reason why 12-step programs and Weight Watchers have been so successful for decades. To achieve their goals, participants need to make changes to ingrained lifestyle habits. The support of a sponsor and other caring individuals helps them stay on track as they adopt new behavior patterns.

If it’s such a critical component in the formation of lasting, positive habits, why don’t more organizations make coaching an integral part of the learning experience?

Some companies do bring in external coaches for their executives, but it’s just not economically feasible to supply professional coaches for every person who attends training.

And it’s not necessary. What’s needed are a few people who care about the success of the learner and are willing to offer support coaching: reminding, giving feedback, encouraging, holding accountable. These are commonsense helping behaviors you’d want employees to use with each other anyway.

Who could play this kind of support coaching role? Coworkers. Colleagues. Other participants in feedback and learning programs. Course instructors. The person’s manager.

To make your training programs “stick,” consider how you could enlist support coaches for participants in your learning and development programs, so they get the follow-up they need to ingrain the new skills and improve their performance.

CLICK HERE to access 9 Support Coaching videos and an ebook as my gift to you. Learn how you can empower managers and employees alike to be support coaches and create a coaching culture in your organization.

Today I’m featuring a guest post from Henry Kimsey-House, co-author of a new, must-read book for every leader, Co-Active Leadership.

A few years ago, Karen and I went to a workshop down in Silicon Valley called “Slideology” put on by Duarte Creative Design. They have a simple and wonderful process for putting together a keynote presentation, or any other kind of presentation for that matter; it’s a compact “analog” system using sticky notes and story boards and it works pretty well at capturing and synthesizing your main ideas and mapping out your points and the emotional impacts you want to have.

I remember happily putting my post-its down in the boxes and building my story board up when it was time to break for lunch. Karen and I claimed a spot in the lunch area and settled down to our sandwich and chips when a guy came up to join us. He had hopped around Silicon Valley from tech giant to starting his own biz to tech giant to tech giant.

He asked us what we do and we told him we were into coaching, he asked “what like sports coaching?” and we steered him to the kind of coaching we do. We asked him what he does and he said he was a “strategist” for the company that he works in and that he was here to beef up his presentations and to make them more interesting and, dare I say it, entertaining. The more we talked the more interested he became in coaching and leadership and the more I began to muse on “Strategist”.

I started to realize that strategists and strategies fit into the same category that economists and economies fit into and that often things like budgets and plans fit into. They are all Fiction. I started to giggle a bit inside as I really started to realize that these folks who do these very “serious and real” things are really working from the same imagination that I work from when I create a design for a workshop or write a story or act in a play. They are imagining the future and putting it into graphs and charts and spreadsheets that look like they are real and that can create hope or despair, risk or safety, excitement or boredom depending on the strategy.

So if I am creating a strategy, which I am going to do later today, I must consider the following:

• Who am I taking care of and what do I want people to think and feel now and when I reach the endgame? 
• Do I try to do a “realistic” strategy or do I work on a “jump off the cliff” strategy? 
• Do I go for a “simple” strategy or a “complex” one? 
• What are the emotional elements that I am seeking when I create a strategy? 
• Am I looking for elements that please me or others in the present or are they ones that I think will work in the future? Or somehow both? 
• Am I looking for the strategy that will be “the easiest” for everyone concerned or am I looking for a strategy that my creative artist thinks is most likely to produce the desired impact and damn the costs and complexities? 

So many possibilities, all fiction, all completely made up and imagined.

We need to keep writing the story. We need to keep creating our universe AND we need to know that while we are busy making things up, making plans, creating strategies, developing budgets and economies, that the universe has its own story that it is making up too and that is going to guarantee many surprises to the story we are writing.

There will be many interesting twists and turns in the road that we made up being straight. We have to dance down that twisty road writing the new story as we dance and jump.

Henry Kimsey-House is the co-author of Co-Active Leadership and Co-Active Coaching. He is the co-founder of the Coaches Training Institute (CTI) where he currently serves as Lead Designer. Learn more about Henry's work or connect with him on Twitter: @henrykh

Do you have  an ongoing conflict with someone in your professional or personal life?

If the tension and differences have been going on for a while, you’ve probably made a substantial list of things about that person you’d like to change. Maybe it’s their attitude or their approach, or certain words and actions they use. If they would just start doing X or stop doing Y, then your life would be so much happier.

What if there were something YOU could do that would dramatically improve the situation?

A profound book, The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute, has the potential for that kind of positive impact, if you’re willing to look within, recognize your role in the conflict and change your mindset.

This statement from the book summarizes one of the core concepts:
“No conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong…The deepest way in which we are right or wrong is in our way of being toward others.”

Unlike many books about conflict that take a more academic, didactic approach, this one reads like an engaging novel, using fictitious characters in realistic situations to convey the key points and lessons. In this case, two facilitators at a treatment center lead a two-day workshop with parents whose teenage children have just been admitted.

Very likely, you’ll find it impossible to read this book without thinking about ways that you’ve contributed to difficult relationships you’ve had in your life - even if, up to this moment, you’ve held the firm belief that the other person was at fault.

You’ll learn about four common styles of justification—different types of “boxes” you can put yourself in when dealing with conflict. Within a given box, you have a particular set of feelings and a distinct way that you view Yourself, Others and the World.

For example, in the “Better-Than” box, you can feel impatient and disdainful as you view yourself as superior and virtuous while seeing others as inferior and irrelevant.

Each of the other boxes – I-Deserve, Need-to-Be-Seen-As, and Worse-Than – contain their own unique elements that prevent us from seeing the other as a person, where we care enough about them to want to help them succeed. Instead, we view them more as an object.

One of the facilitators relays a story about dropping some lettuce on the kitchen floor as he was making a sandwich. Instead of reaching down and picking it up, he kicked it under the counter with his toe. He later acknowledges that from his “Better-Than” box, he conveyed to his wife that he saw her “as just unimportant enough that she should be the one to have to worry about that kind of thing.”

He followed up with a question that all of us can consider when we commit our own version of this offense: “How would it be to live with someone who thought of you like that?”

Some of our behaviors are so ingrained – we are so firmly entrenched in our box – that we are blind to the impact that we have on others. The authors refer to this a having “a heart at war” where we feel the need to blame others (whether silently or verbally) while justifying our own attitudes and behaviors:
“When our hearts are at war, we tend to exaggerate others’ faults, that’s what we call horribilizing. We tend to exaggerate the differences between ourselves and those we are blaming…We also exaggerate the importance of anything that will justify us.”

The goal is to create a heart at peace, where we put a stop to violating our own sensibilities toward another person.

One of the best ways to make this shift and get outside the box is to invest time in answering a series of questions designed to help you relate differently to a specific person.

• What are this person’s challenges, burdens and pains?
• How am I adding to these?
• In what other ways have I neglected or mistreated this person?
• What could I do to HELP?

Answering these questions helps to break you free from your justifications and blame because you being to see the other as a person again.

And once you recognize what you need to do, then you have to take actions that build the relationship. It can take time to re-establish trust and respect. The effort will be worth it.

These same questions can be used to solve conflicts in larger groups – across families, communities and even nations.

If you’re interested in building the strongest relationships possible with the people who matter to you, read and apply the powerful wisdom of this book.

I just finished reading the last “time management” book I’ll ever need.

Actually, referring to Time Warrior by Steve Chandler as that kind of book is a misnomer. Because it’s so much more.

Chandler nails the culprits that prevent us from getting the most from each day, such as:

• A need to please and be liked by others 
• Self-doubts about our ability to get organized or accomplish our goals
• Wrong-headed belief that procrastination is a permanent character defect
• Lack of a strong purpose or mission
• Failure to simply get started on the first step of a project

The solutions Chandler outlines are simple yet brilliant, and they’re EASY to implement. A few examples…

BELIEFS

Chandler challenges the reader to consider that poor time management is always a problem of belief.  What thought are you believing about a specific task or project that makes you unwilling to even start?

If you’re not open to challenging the assumptions and beliefs you carry around, you’re more likely to continue suffering from procrastination. Unexamined self-doubt and fears can paralyze your mind and body.

FOCUS

We know it’s important to give our full attention to the task at hand, without interruptions or distractions. But I tend to think I need to move fast or speed up to get more done. Chandler advises relaxing and slowing down.

He illustrates with a powerful story of a coaching client who booked a $3,000 speech with a company and then started rushing around looking for new business in other organizations. Steve encouraged him to slow down and think about this one company, to consider other ways he could be of service. The man set up meetings with other executives in the organization and asked questions that uncovered additional needs. As a result of these interactions, he expanded his work to a full year with twenty times the original income. Just by slowing down and taking time to focus on this one client.

Also, achieving focus in your work requires boldness. You have to be willing to say “no” to anything that interferes with the objectives you've identified.

ACTION 

Chandler stresses that action is always the answer. And he makes it easy to get started by encouraging you to devote just three minutes to your task. This prevents you from finding reasons to put it off.

The more things you complete, the more energy you have. Procrastination drains your energy – you’re preoccupied with thinking instead of doing. You’re worrying and experiencing negative feelings related to the thing you don’t want to do. If you just jump in and finish one piece, your energy shifts.

Keep it creative and simple by asking, whenever you feel stuck: What needs to be done now in these three minutes?

PRESENT MOMENT

You only have NOW. Fear comes from living in the future in your mind.

Steve Chandler has often found that his clients’ greatest opportunities are right in front of them…in the very next conversation they’re about to have. But they will miss seeing it, much less take advantage of it, if they’re preoccupied pursuing their “better future.”

You can start fresh every day, creating the future you want now and commit to living it today.

Eliminate overwhelm by thinking about just the one thing you are working on at this moment.

No, I’m not talking about the determination and resolve you need when taking on a challenging project or trying to tough it out through a difficult time. That kind of grit is certainly required for anyone to succeed in life.

I’m referring to the acronym that Laurie Sudbrink created in her terrific book, Leading with GRIT. In this context, GRIT® stands for the four elements leading the way to success…Generosity, Respect, Integrity and Truth.

Laurie’s consulting work with clients has been influenced by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, which I summarized in an earlier post. In her book, she masterfully incorporates his teachings into her message, infusing them with her own style and adding her unique insights and applications.

As I read each chapter, I found myself nodding in agreement with the points Laurie made. Her style is conversational and engaging, so I was drawn in. I thought about how each of the four elements applied to me. For example, the chapter on Integrity helped me recognize ways that I get out of integrity with myself, when my actions are not aligned with my stated values or goals.

I love gaining a deeper understanding of my motivations, attitudes and beliefs. Laurie helped me do that through her stories, questions and models.

Laurie’s models were depicted with easy-to-understand diagrams. She reinforced them throughout the book, showing how to apply them in specific situations. This was very effective and prevented them from being vague concepts or principles.

For example…

The Accountability Ladder makes it easy to see if your attitudes and behavior fall into the bottom rungs of a “reactive, victim, powerless” mode or the top rungs where you are “proactive, responsible, and powerful.”

Also, at the end of each chapter, readers are asked: “What SHIFT will you make?” 
S – Scan the chapter for topics you resonate with.
H – Hone in on just one or two with the greatest potential for impact.
I – Imagine the positive impact.
F – Figure out your plan for staying on track.
T – Take action NOW.

Answering these questions is a valuable exercise for any book, article, video or podcast you’re consuming. How will you actually apply the ideas you’re acquiring? Knowledge alone is just the first step.

This book is not just for people in official leadership positions. It’s a great read for anyone who’s willing to take an honest look within and learn more effective ways to identify and align with your truth so you can act with integrity, show respect to others and adopt an attitude of generosity with everyone you encounter in life or at work.

“When we align to our truth, we are more confident in ourselves, our decisions, and the results. We have clarity and direction. We are more efficient in the things we do. We decide and act, without wasting time wondering or even regretting after we’ve made the decision.” – Laurie Sudbrink

When I got my first job as a supervisor, I was given no training on how to be an effective leader. I made a lot of mistakes. And I had absolutely no idea how to coach my direct reports on to improve their performance.

Unfortunately, what I experienced is not uncommon.

Companies often invest huge amounts of money and time training managers on the technical aspects of their job yet don’t make a similar investment teaching them how to lead and coach others.

As I read Thomas G. Crane’s excellent book, The Heart of Coaching, I got to thinking about how many folks (including me back then) could benefit from having a solid process to follow.

Tom Crane has written a comprehensive guide that has the potential to transform any company into one with a widespread “coaching culture,” where everyone in the organization is empowered with the skills and tools to provide coaching to each other.

Sound too good to be true?

It’s not, if you follow Tom’s simple three-phase model:

Phase 1 – The Foundation, where you establish a strong, positive relationship that serves as the basis for coaching.

Phase 2 – Feedback Loop, where you learn how to share behavior-based feedback and engage in a genuine dialogue.

Phase 3 - Forwarding-the-Action, where you create positive momentum and a sustained commitment to change.

One of the things I value most about the way Tom covers each of these phases is the clear picture he paints about HOW to perform the various coaching skills. He emphasizes many that I've come to realize are critical to building trust and establishing a positive coaching relationship, such as:

Listening, giving the person your full attention and demonstrating that you’re actually “getting” the message.

Asking open-ended questions, to avoid telling or giving advice and to learn more about the situation and the person’s current thinking.

Engaging in dialogue, to understand a person’s perspective in an effort to appreciate what’s important to that individual.

Giving constructive feedback, making sure it’s balanced, fair, respectful and behavior-based.

This book is an important read for internal coaches and coaches alike, so both groups understand what to expect and how to make the most of the coaching relationship. In addition to the model, Tom provides a wealth of tips and insights that ensure smooth implementation.

If you study and follow the profound wisdom of this model, you can help your company experience the kind of coaching culture where everyone engages in respectful coaching conversations that lead to better relationships, improved performance, and a place where people actually look forward to coming to work.

Today I'm featuring a guest blog post by Quinn McDowell, a colleague whose passion for developing strong leaders, parents and young people matches my own.

Tim Duncan will go down as one of the 10 greatest NBA players of all time. He was a three-time NCAA Collegiate All American and Naismith Player of the Year at Wake Forest and then went on to become the No. 1 pick in the NBA Draft. Over the course of his 17-year NBA career, he has been selected to the All-Defensive Team 14 times and the All-NBA Team 14 times. Three times, he was awarded the NBA Finals MVP and twice the NBA Regular Season MVP.

Yet, for all his accomplishments, the lasting mark of his incredible 17-year NBA career will be his unique approach to leadership. Duncan’s decision to approach his leadership role with a servant’s mindset has played a huge role in the Spurs’ extended run of success. There are several key characteristics of servant leaders that raise the level of our teams and organizations.

Servant Leaders Are Flexible

Flexibility in a team context means that one person (player, coach, or parent) does not hold the organization hostage to their personal demands. Duncan could have easily vetoed trades for more talented players or demanded the Spurs play a certain style that was tailored to his preferences.

Instead, flexible leaders are able to objectively assess a situation and determine what is best for the entire group, not just their own well-being. Practically speaking, this could mean having to give up scoring a ton of points, sharing the spotlight with other talented players or being willing to admit that someone else might be able to provide a benefit for the team that you’re incapable of.

Servant Leaders Are Not Threatened by Others

To go back to the example of Tim Duncan and the Spurs, Duncan could have felt threatened by the arrival of Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli. He could have given into the urge to hold onto his power and declare that the Spurs were “his team” and no one else’s (and by all accounts he had every right to feel that way).

Instead, he gave away his power, which allowed Parker and Ginobli to realize their potential on the court. This is one huge reason why the Spurs have been difficult to beat for the last decade. The team is stronger than any individual, and even the great Michael Jordan didn’t win any championships until he figured this out.

Success on the basketball floor is dependent on a team of individuals learning to become a cohesive unit. This cohesion is only possible when everyone feels support from their teammates. If Manu and Parker never felt that Duncan wanted them to become great, their growth as players would have been stunted.

Servant Leaders Understand Their Value

From an outside perspective it might seem that by taking this approach servant leaders are working against themselves by lessening their influence or power within a team.

In reality, just the opposite is happening. The more leaders can empower others, the more invaluable they become. Your value as a leader is directly tied to how well you can help others raise their level of performance. The truly indispensable leaders on any team are the ones that give away their power, influence, and personal prestige for the good of the team. Those kinds of leaders are rare, but those kinds of leaders make a difference, and those kind of leaders become truly irreplaceable.

Quinn McDowell is a writer, trainer and professional athlete. He has played in the NBA D-League, Australia and Spain, following his four-year career at the College of William and Mary. He is the founder of AreteHoops.com and desires to see coaches and players succeed with excellence. He currently resides in Palencia, Spain, with his wife Lindsey.

When I was first put in a position of supervising others, I received no formal training in leadership. I had excelled as a teacher, and a natural progression was to move into an administrative position. I made a lot of mistakes as I tried to discover the best ways to motivate and empower people to give their best effort.

This is not unique to the field of education. Many outstanding individual performers – whether it’s in sales, engineering or accounting – are often promoted to supervisor or manager because of their technical expertise.

The problem is, in far too many cases, they aren't adequately prepared to lead others. They know how to complete the technical aspects of their work, but they have no clue how to help those now in their charge to become outstanding, too.

I wish I’d had Jeff Wolf’s new book, Seven Disciplines of a Leader: How to Help Your People, Team, and Organization Achieve Maximum Effectiveness when I got promoted.

There’s no shortage of books on the topic of leadership. But many are theoretical and don’t give specific “how-to” advice. You can learn about leadership, but you don’t get a clear roadmap for exactly what to do.

Seven Disciplines provides those kinds of specifics…and so much more.

Jeff Wolf’s advice is credible and practical because he draws from his own experience as a senior executive and his decades of work coaching hundreds of leaders in all kinds of industries. The client stories he shares throughout the book bring each of the 7 disciplines to life.

These disciplines as well 11 related practices can be developed and applied whether you’re a leader in the workplace, a volunteer organization, or a professional association. The skills carry over into effective parenting, too.

Jeff serves as your personal coach for leadership development. That’s because of the book’s structure. You can select a chapter that deals with a skill you want to develop. You’ll find out what to do and how to do it, with real-life examples. And then he guides you to take action steps through a “Takeaway” section.

He also tells you the truth about what’s required to actually change your behavior. With his Daily Discipline Activities, you schedule 30 minutes each day to focus and practice that one skill until it becomes a habit. Based on our company's experience with clients during the past 25 years, I believe his advice is spot-on.

“Practice 3: Understand the Value of Coaching” was a favorite chapter. Too often, what’s taught in training doesn’t “stick.” Even those companies that invest in leadership development programs typically overlook a key element for ensuring a lasting impact. They lack “a coaching component to reinforce the skills learned in these classes. Why is coaching so important? Because personal coaching not only changes the behavior of participants, but aids them in real-time on-the-job situations.”

Whether you’re a novice or veteran leader, you can use Seven Disciplines of a Leader as a blueprint for your development. If you follow the specific guidelines and complete the thought-provoking exercises, you’ll become more conscious of the behaviors required to inspire others to do their best work.

Alex Tremble, author of The GPS Guide to Success

I am drawn to people who have an exciting vision and take bold action. I’m especially impressed with individuals who develop these behavior patterns at a young age.

Alex Tremble is such a person, and I’m privileged to know him.

We met on Twitter after he gave me positive feedback about one of my blog posts. Our 140-character exchanges led to phone conversations where I learned about his deep commitment to helping young people. His passion is to provide high school students, college students and young professionals with tools and opportunities that can help them succeed.

Following his own model for success led Alex to become the youngest U.S. Federal employee chosen to manage a Government-wide executive development program and receive an invitation to the 2013 White House Youth Summit. It’s also what drove him to start his own company, GPS Leadership Solutions, and write an ebook.

After reading The GPS Guide to Success: How to Navigate Life to Reach Your Personal and Career Goals, I was impressed with the life principles he’s internalized, and I realized why he’s achieved so much already in his life.

It’s because he’s living what he writes about.

Alex describes a simple three-step system (Goals-Plans-Strategies) for achieving your dreams.

These steps are presented in a clear, easy-to-follow format – important for his target audience.

One of my favorite chapters focuses on the benefits of figuring out the WHY of your goal. Too often we decide WHAT we want and then jump into figuring out HOW to get there.

But taking time to examine WHY you want to achieve your goal pays big dividends down the road. Because your WHY will continue to fuel your motivation and drive when the going gets tough.

The process Alex recommends you follow to get at your WHY involves drilling down to uncover your deepest reason. Here’s what you do:

1.  Identify your goal, the outcome you want to achieve.

2.  Ask yourself, “Why is that my goal?” and “Why is that important?”

3.  After you come up with your answers, ask the same two questions regarding the responses you just gave.

4.  Repeat until you cannot ask WHY anymore.

Alex explains that you've now “most likely identified your end destination.” 

I like to think of it as identifying one of your core values. You've figured out what truly feeds your spirit and gives meaning to your life.

With your Goal clearly tied to your WHY, creating the Plan and developing creative Strategies becomes easier. To stay on that path, Alex gives readers three career tips that are absolutely essential to their success in life and work:

• Self-Development 
• Find a Support Network
• Take Responsibility for Decisions

Anyone entering college or starting their career will find valuable information for navigating unfamiliar territory.

I look forward to seeing what great things Alex accomplishes in his life as he continues to implement his own GPS Guide to Success.

I vividly recall a scene from 8th grade, even though it happened almost 50 years ago.

I attended a Catholic school, and many of the teachers were nuns.

On this particular day, Sister “Mary” had just walked back into the classroom. We could tell she was angry but no one could guess why. She marched up to a student whose desk was in the front row, and she commanded him to stand.

When he did, she slapped his face and sternly said, “Your desk is out of line!”

His face turned bright red, most likely from embarrassment and the sting from the slap. He straightened his desk and sheepishly slithered back into his seat.

This was not the first or only occasion that Sister Mary delivered a slap to a male student that year.

While the girls were spared such physical abuse, they did endure degrading verbal attacks.

Sister Mary controlled the students in her classroom using fear and humiliation.

That approach worked if you measured results by compliance.

We were scared into a level of obedience that squelched any spark of individuality or creativity.

I’m sure Sister Mary thought she was teaching us valuable lessons. But in fact, she created an environment where students silently resented her actions and couldn’t wait to get away from her.

She had no clue about what it takes to motivate young people to give their best effort.

Unfortunately, some adults today continue to use such tactics to intimidate people at work, at home or at school. In their roles as boss, parent or teacher, they require strict observance of their rules. When those rules are not followed, there’s hell to pay.

There’s no attempt to understand the needs or wants of others. No interest in having a reasonable conversation to discuss alternative points of view.

And so, those affected by the person in authority can end up feeling threatened, humiliated or afraid. They might conform to the requirements, but they are repelled by the leader’s behavior.

They’re likely to become angry and resentful about the treatment they’re receiving. They may be outraged at the unfairness they’re experiencing personally or observing happen to others.

If you’re in a position to influence others, take a close look at your own approach.

As a parent, how do you respond when your children ask questions that challenge one of your rules? How often do you invite them to tell you the reasons behind requests they make so you can truly understand their perspective?

As a leader, what do you say or do to communicate to others that you value their ideas and contributions? That you appreciate who they are?

On a daily basis, examine ways that you may intimidate the important people in your life. Look closely at what you do or don't do to encourage and support them.

If you’re not sure how they perceive you, just ask what they’d like you to do more of and what they’d like you to do less of. You’ll discover what would truly motivate them to give their best.

Nature shows are favorites for my husband Lee and me.

They allow us glimpses into the animal kingdom that would otherwise be hidden from us.

An added benefit: Watching these creatures in action often gives us valuable insights for our own lives.

Take for example, the young wood ducks featured in the 2103 Emmy award-winning PBS Nature Program, An Original DUCKumentary.

The mother wood duck lays her eggs in a tree cavity, up to 70 feet above the forest floor. Although she lays just one egg per day, the chicks all hatch on the same day. And just 24 hours later, they’re ready to greet the world.

First, the mother flies out from the nest and lands on the ground nearby. Then she starts calling her babies to join her. One by one they venture to the edge of the nest hole. At this point, their wings are not developed and they’re incapable of flying. So you wonder, how are they going to get out of there alive?

The first one looks out, hesitates for just a moment, and then jumps. You watch incredulously, thinking it’s headed for certain death. But instead, this one-ounce ball of fluff lands softly on a bed of leaves. The others follow in turn, and together they pursue their mother’s voice, waddling behind her as she leads them to the water.

The scene is remarkable. We were holding our collective breaths, wondering how these delicate creatures could possibly survive such a fall. This brief video (1:33 min) shows exactly how they do it.



There’s no place for fear or self-doubt with these young birds. They’re driven by the need to be with their mother, and this burning goal over-rides the brief uncertainty they might experience just before making their tremendous leap.

For me, it’s a valuable lesson in courage.

As humans, we have the unique ability to reason and imagine potential consequences, often to our detriment. We can over-think the situation and allow ourselves to get caught up in negative emotions – projecting bad things that could happen if we take a specific action.

This can lead to indecision and inaction as we become paralyzed due to fear of failure, concern about criticism from others, or doubts about our own abilities.

Next time you feel afraid due to uncertainty about the future, recall the wood duck chicks taking that leap with no assurance of how they’ll land. Summon the courage to act, and you can benefit no matter what happens, as Norman Vincent Peale so wisely observed:

For more than 25 years, I've been teaching people how to become better listeners.

During that entire time, I've emphasized the need to really understand what another person is trying to tell you. That involves paying attention to the words, tone of voice and body language.

But I realized another way to think and talk about this process recently, when I was being interviewed by Chris Efessiou on his radio show Straight Up with Chris.

Our EARS are not the only sensory organs that we need to engage to be effective listeners.

If we’re going to “get” a person’s complete message, we also need to use our EYES.

Chris and I were discussing why listening is the foundation for all other communication skills, and why it’s not just about hearing someone speak.

He teaches negotiations at two universities and emphasizes this point with students:


I've known for decades the truth of these words, but I hadn't thought about it in terms of using your eyes even more than your ears.

Ignoring what you see when communicating with others can cause you to miss a huge part of the message, often the most important part.

Suppose you’re talking with your teenage daughter. You’re telling her something and she says “Yes” to every point you make. Yet her posture clearly shows that she is not buying what you’re trying to sell her. If you’re not observing that part of her reaction, you’ll miss what she’s really conveying.

Or at work, you've made a difficult decision and announced it to another person who will be impacted by it. You ask if he’s OK with it and you get the response, “It’s fine.” But his body slumps in the chair, and disappointment is written on his face. Are you paying attention to his body language, in addition to his words?

Communication is hard. We don’t learn these essential skills in school, and often we focus on the wrong things – what we want to say, the strength of our position or rationale, attempting to persuade the other person to accept our point of view…

If we can take more time to zero in on others – to truly see who they are and how they’re reacting to our message – we’re much more likely to interpret their response accurately.

This dynamic gives us the opportunity to have real dialogue and go deeper. We can address the discrepancy between their words and their body language, and open the door for them to be honest with us about their real thoughts and feelings.

If you’re genuinely interested in “getting” another person, commit to using your ears and your eyes in every conversation. You may be astounded at what you learn…and what you've been missing.

And if you'd like to learn about other four communication skills I discussed with Chris Efessiou on his show, listen to the full interview.

This time of year, people spend a lot of time looking for the perfect holiday presents for loved ones. These gifts can involve a lot of money.

Sometimes you luck out, and the present hits the mark. It’s just what the person hoped for.

Other times, you might hear the obligatory “thank you” but inside the recipient wishes you’d gotten something else.

I’m going to tell you about a gift that I guarantee people will love…every time you give it.

And it costs you nothing, except time and effort.

It’s called listening.

Did you think I was going to reveal something more startling and dramatic? Are you tempted to discount this notion and move on to a more exciting idea?

Stay with me.

The fact is, most people are very poor listeners.

They’d much rather talk about themselves. They’re not as eager to hear what you have to say.

So they interrupt. (This is such an annoying behavior that I devoted an entire blog post to it.)

Or turn the conversation back to them as quickly as possible.

Or do something else at the same time while they’re supposedly listening to you. (But you can tell you don’t have their full attention, even over the phone.)

Think about how you feel when you’re trying to convey something that’s important to you, and you’re dealing with a poor listener.

If you’re like me, some of those emotions include disappointment and frustration.

Sometimes you can get so upset with the lack of responsiveness from the other person that you forget the point you’re trying to make.

Now…think about the last time someone listened to you and really got what you were saying.

How did you feel after that experience? About the other person? About yourself?

There are few things that matter to us as human beings than to feel that someone else “gets” us. We treasure those who take time to understand what we’re trying to say and make us feel valuable at that moment.

So if you’d like to start giving this gift more often, here are some tips…

1. Recognize the listening moment. It’s easy to engage in conversation and not so easy to notice when a person wants to tell you something important. Keep your radar up for those opportunities when you can switch from a back-and-forth exchange to one where you let the other person talk.

2. Ask questions that show you’re really paying attention. Avoid jumping in with advice, opinions and ideas. This gives the speaker permission to keep talking and lets them know you’re genuinely interested in learning more.

3. Summarize what they’re saying in your own words. When you’re able to recap what someone has said and re-state it even better than they can, you’ll get a positive reaction.

That’s because this level of listening requires hearing what’s said and not said, along with noticing tone of voice and body language. It requires putting together what is sometimes a disjointed mish-mash of thoughts and words, and organizing them into a coherent message.

If you commit yourself to developing this prized skill, you will be able to give this gift endlessly over the lifetime of your relationship.

And if that individual’s happiness and well-being matters to you, what better gift could you possibly give?

Several years ago I was supervising a team of ten people, and most of them got along well.

But over time, I picked up serious rumblings from four of them about “Rita,” one of the team members.

They had legitimate complaints about her performance related to lack of cooperation and sharing of information. They found her difficult to approach and talk to.

I contemplated talking with Rita myself, but that violated one of my deeply-held beliefs:

I had not seen these behaviors myself so I wasn’t comfortable addressing them with her.

Another option was to insist each person talk with Rita individually. I wasn’t sure how effective that would be, since emotions were running high by that point. And these four individuals did not possess expert feedback skills.

So I decided to do something radical.

I set up a group intervention.

Interventions are sometimes necessary when someone is in denial about an aspect of their behavior, and the opinion of just one person doesn’t get their attention or carry much weight.

An intervention brings together a group of people who care about that person’s future and are willing to speak the truth together. This has been done with positive impact for decades with alcoholics and drug addicts.

A skilled facilitator guides each participant in advance to write out the specific behaviors that have created a problem, including these components of constructive feedback:
1 – Describe the specific behavior.
2 – Share your reaction and feelings.
3 – Explain the impact on you or others.
4 – State what you need from this person.

A sample statement would be something like this:
When you [negative behavior], I feel [feeling] because [negative impact]. What I’d like you to do instead is [desired behavior].

I figured that I could follow the same process to get Rita’s attention and influence her future performance. She was a valued employee and I didn't want to lose her. I also wanted to teach the others how to give appropriate feedback.

First, I met with the four individuals as a group and explained what we were going to do. I gave them the four components to include in their feedback and required them to write down what they were going to say.

I then reviewed what they’d written and coached them on ways to word their message to be factual and non-judgmental.

Boy, were they nervous. They’d never done anything like this before, and they weren't sure how Rita would react. They were concerned she would feel we were ganging up on her.

I tried to reassure them that the outcome would be positive.

On the morning of the intervention, I met with Rita a few minutes before we were to gather. I explained to her that we were about to have a meeting that was just for her. I assured her that I cared a lot about her as a person and as an employee. I explained that some of her team members had concerns about her behavior and wanted to share those with her. And I said I’d be facilitating the process to make sure everything that was said would be appropriate.

I entered the room with Rita, and the others were already seated in chairs that I had arranged in a circle. Rita slid into one of the empty chairs, and I sat across from her, with the others on either side of us. I wanted to be able to see everyone, but especially Rita.

I opened by stating that we had come together because each person in the room had something to say to Rita, and they wanted to do it in a way that would be helpful to her and to them.

The team members took turns sharing their feedback, and Rita was given an opportunity to respond after each one. What ensued was a dialogue that clarified the real issues and led to agreements for future action.

At one point, another team member, “Kate” placed her notes beneath her chair and sighed. She realized that she had contributed to some of the problems. The blame didn’t lie exclusively with Rita. Kate shared responsibility for the problem. She actually apologized to Rita and everyone else for the part she had played to worsen the situation.

The entire group came together in ways I could not have predicted.

After that day, they became less afraid to address a minor issue head-on, before it grew into a big problem. They even encouraged each other to speak up in meetings.


Too often constructive feedback takes the form of criticism and blame, and it’s filled with emotion. That’s because we wait too long to speak up.

Follow this simple 4-step model the next time you need to address an issue with someone. You’ll find that you stay calmer and the other person will likely react less defensively.