Use Your Creativity to Get Different Results

It was the last day of a conference for entrepreneurs and small business owners, and eighteen people were competing for Marketer of the Year. Each person had just 15 minutes to describe the marketing strategies they’d implemented in the previous year. I was amazed and inspired as I listened to all the creative ideas they’d used to attract, acquire and keep customers.

At the end of the presentations, the audience members cast their ballots, and I was thrilled when my friend Charlie McDermott with StandOUT Video was announced as the winner. Charlie has developed an ingenious way to use video on websites to grab the attention of visitors. He stars in a web TV show that he writes and produces, and he applies dozens of other non-traditional approaches to promote his business. He’s done a phenomenal job of growing his company’s revenues by thinking outside the box.

Now you may be saying, “Yeah, well, Charlie is a unique case.” But you’d be wrong.

I was in a mastermind group with Charlie for two years, and I saw first-hand how he started his business from nothing. He simply took action on the ideas he got, and he learned from his successes and his failures.

The truth is, each one of us has the ability to come up with creative solutions. It’s just that most of us don’t tap into this potential as often as we could. Why is that?

For one thing, it’s easy to get stuck in a specific way of thinking and rely on what’s worked for you in the past. After all, it’s familiar. You don’t have to change your patterns or learn something new. Besides, if you do experiment with something different, there’s a chance you’ll make mistakes and end up with nothing useful to show for it. Along the way, you could get a lot of criticism and questions from others. So it’s perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable when you think about moving into uncharted territory.

If you’re facing a challenge and need a new solution, a good first step is to relax and take time to picture new possibilities and your ideal outcome. When you allow yourself the freedom to imagine something better, you’ll be surprised at the ideas that come to you. Focusing on the “doing” of things can cause you to neglect scheduling time for visualization, but it’s actually one of the most important daily practices you can establish.

Be sure to get input and ideas from people who don’t think like you do. Read magazines or books outside your field. Study elements of websites and videos that draw lots of visitors. Get involved in a mastermind group. You’ll discover different perspectives that stimulate your thinking and help you come up with solutions you wouldn’t have developed otherwise.

And don’t judge or compare yourself to others. Creativity takes different forms. You have the ability to bring fresh ideas to almost anything you do, and your approach may not look the same as someone else’s. Trust yourself and trust the process.

Burn into your mind the truth embedded in this wisdom from Napoleon Hill’s classic book, Think and Grow Rich:

“What the mind of man can conceive and believe, 

it can achieve.”

The Courage to Make a Change

During the summer of 1982 I was working as director of federally-funded programs for a local school system. It was my second year on the job, and the difference between Year 1 and Year 2 was like night and day.

I had been hired by someone who recognized my abilities and gave me free reign to make improvements to the programs I was in charge of. My first year was fun and exciting as I worked hard to involve parents and to provide the latest learning strategies to teachers whose positions were funded by federal dollars.

At the end of that first year, we got a new superintendent of schools. As often happens with a new regime, people get shuffled around. My supportive boss got relegated to a lesser position, and I no longer worked for him. Instead, his replacement turned out to be a micro-manager who held agonizingly long meetings and stifled my creativity.

On top of that, the new superintendent decided I should take on an additional program that I had no training or expertise in. It was a directive, and I had no say in the matter. That program was politically-charged, and I often had to deal with pressure from different factions when making decisions.

I worked under these conditions for almost a year, as my typical enthusiasm and commitment to my work waned with each passing day.

The final blow came when the principal in one of the elementary schools moved two strong teachers out of my program and back to the regular classroom. He replaced them with weaker teachers and made these changes without consulting with me first. When I protested to the superintendent, I discovered how little my opinion mattered. Principals had absolute power about placement of teachers and were not expected to collaborate with those of us affected by their decisions.

It turned out that I had the responsibility to get results (improved student performance) without the authority to make that happen.

I felt powerless, frustrated and disillusioned.

I started having knots in my stomach each day and found myself dreading Monday mornings. I hated the lack of control over my situation and the inability to directly influence the results I was expected to achieve.

If I wanted a different outcome, I was going to have to do something different. Drastically different.

I could no longer tolerate seeing my confidence and energy drained because of a work environment that was toxic to my mental and physical health.

With the support of my brand new husband and to the shock of my boss, I turned in my resignation in August, 1982. At the time it was very rare for someone to leave what was considered a prestigious position at the school board office.

Even though I had ZERO experience in the business world, I decided that I would become an entrepreneur...

A wise mentor once told me that we’re only motivated to change when the unknown looks better than the known.

You may be hesitant to make a change in your life because you aren’t sure what the consequences of your decision will be. You could be afraid that you’ll be worse off after the change. So you stay where you are, even though it’s uncomfortable or actually painful.

But if the situation worsens, there may come a time when the price you’re paying is just too high. And when you get to that point, you’ll need to alter what you’re doing. Maybe it will be just a small step each day to move towards a future that seems more desirable. Or you could end up like me, leaping into a whole new adventure without a safety net, trusting that you’ll discover the best course of action as you go.

It takes courage to look a difficult situation in the face and acknowledge its reality. You can’t change the players, and it’s usually a waste of energy to try. But you can change yourself and the way you respond to your circumstances.

Almost 30 years ago, I left the security of a paycheck and ventured into the world of entrepreneurs. That journey has had its own set of perils and challenges, but at least I’ve known that I’m the one responsible for charting my course.

No matter what path you’re on, you have choices and opportunities, even amid your difficulties. Will you have the courage to recognize them and take actions that lead to your happiness and fulfillment?

"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before...to test your limits...to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin, American author (1903-1977)

Affirmations Expand Your Self-Image

What you believe about yourself has a huge impact on what you attempt in life. For example, if you’re convinced you can’t do something, you’re not likely to try it. To realize your true potential, you need to replace self-limiting thoughts with more realistic, positive thoughts. And get rid of negative self-talk by using affirmations instead.

Affirmations are positive statements about your ideal self. Reading and repeating them reminds you of what’s possible and motivates you to be at your best. If you say the affirmations often enough, they can change your self-image and create new behavior patterns.

Affirmations work best when stated in the present tense. This creates a vivid picture in your mind of the way you want to be.

For example, if you want to work on the personal strength of SELF-DISCIPLINE, you could repeat statement like:
  “I keep my efforts focused on what’s most important.”
  "I organize my environment to support my success.”

For INITIATIVE…
  “When I take action, I move forward to the result I want.”
  “I do what needs to be done without being told.”

And for COMPASSION…
  “I show a genuine interest in people.”
  “I give the gift of kindness.”

Here are steps you can take to turn affirmations into reality.

1.  Write out or type up the affirmations you want to use, and print out a hard copy.

2.  Read them out loud with feeling at least twice a day.

3.  Visualize yourself doing things that are consistent with these statements.

4.  Continue to do this every day as you work on that personal strength, because repetition is key to rewiring your brain with new thought and behavior patterns.

Monitor your self-talk throughout the day. Every time you criticize yourself, stop and replace those words with one of your affirmations. If you make this a daily practice, you’ll expand your beliefs about your capabilities and achieve more than you ever thought possible.

Our online personal development system, ProStar Coach, includes seven affirmations for 40 different personal strength areas, along with hundreds of other resources for becoming stronger as a person. Sign up for a free 15-day pass and see for yourself what a difference this virtual coaching service can make in your life.

“Our self-image and our habits tend to go together. Change one and you will automatically change the other.” – Maxwell Maltz, American author(1899-1975)

Self-Forgiveness Is Key to a Strong Self-Image

When someone else inflicts physical or emotional pain on you, you may react in a variety of ways: anger, lashing out, silence, or withdrawal. If you’re not careful, a deep-seated resentment can take hold. And when that happens, your relationship suffers a potentially devastating blow.

The secret to moving past the pain is forgiveness, recognizing that the other person is fallible and deserves to have another chance.

Unfortunately, we often don’t treat ourselves with the same compassion when we make mistakes or fall short of who we want to be. If you’re not careful, you can hold a lifetime grudge against yourself that keeps you from achieving your potential.

It’s not always easy to detect when you’re doing this, but here’s one thing you can start doing now: Monitor your thoughts and self-talk.

Ever watch a football game on TV and get tired of them re-running the same play while the officials are reviewing the call? They show the play from different angles, and the announcers declare what the officials should decide before the final judgment is announced. Sometimes I want to shout, “Enough already!”

Actually, that’s a pretty good phrase to use on yourself if you find that you’re mentally replaying a scene from your own life ad nauseam.

Let’s say you’ve said something hurtful to someone you care about, and you wish you could take the words back…

Or you didn’t stand up for yourself when another person criticized you in front of others…

Or you wanted to make a positive impression on an individual or a group but didn’t come across the way you wanted to.

The list could go on, because it’s easy to identify situations where you didn’t perform the way you wanted to.

You could expend a lot of time and energy thinking about what happened and berating yourself for not living up to your personal ideal standards. But doing that only serves to damage your self-image, and you don’t learn anything from the experience.

So what’s the alternative?

Each time you find yourself rehashing an event from your past, ask yourself these Five Magic Questions and write down your answers. This brief activity will help you reflect on what happen, take away the lessons and move on.

1.  What happened? Describe the sequence of events.

2.  Why did it happen that way? Identify what contributed to the outcome.

3.  What were the consequences? Describe the impact of the event.

4.  How would you handle a similar situation in the future? What lessons can you take away that you can apply if this happens again?

5.  What will you do NOW? What is your next step?

We call these “magic” questions because they can transform YOU and the way you see yourself. Maybe your next step is to make amends to another person, or maybe it’s simply to let go and forgive yourself regarding this incident.

Because the simple truth is, you can’t change the past. It’s DONE. What you can change are your thoughts and behavior going forward.

If you stay stuck because you feel bad about things you cannot change, you’ll miss out on the present moments that are unfolding before your eyes. And you won’t even see the opportunities on the road in front of you because your mind and eyes are focused on the rearview mirror.

Take to heart this wisdom from Maxwell Maltz in The New Psycho-Cybernetics:

“You cannot see your future with optimistic eyes if you cannot view your present and past with kind eyes.”  

3 Questions to Make Next Year Your Best Year

As we approach January 1, you’ll hear a lot about the importance of making New Year’s resolutions. But most goals that people set at the beginning of the year - such as getting physically fit, getting out of debt or making more money - do not become reality.

There are many reasons for this, such as a lack of sufficient motivation, inadequate commitment, or an unwillingness to experience discomfort. And sometimes the goals are simply outside the realm of possibility.

The problem is, if you create unrealistic goals, you don’t just set yourself up for failure. You set yourself up for lowering your self-respect and self-confidence, which then impacts the effort you’ll invest in working towards your goals. And your belief in what’s possible for you diminishes as well, as you see yourself falling short of what you hoped for.

You can inoculate yourself from these downsides and increase your chances of success if you carve out some time to write out the answers to three questions.

1. What positive results did I get that I am proud of and WHY?

You HAVE accomplished many good things this year, and you need to recognize them. List as many as you can think of, no matter how small or trivial they may seem to you. Reviewing all your achievements serves to expand your beliefs about what’s possible for the next 12 months.

For each item on your list, include WHY you got the result you did. What specifically did you do? When you understand cause and effect, you can figure out how to repeat the process.

2. What results didn’t work out the way I hoped and WHY?

No one is perfect, and that includes you. So despite your best efforts, you made some mistakes and experienced setbacks or failures. You need to learn from them so you don’t repeat them next year.

After you describe the situation, examine what you did or didn’t do that contributed to the undesirable outcome. You’ve got to be totally honest with yourself if you are serious about getting a different result in the coming months.

3. What results do I want next year, and what actions will I need to take to make them a reality?

If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you can’t expect the outcome to be different. By definition, a goal is a destination you haven’t achieved yet. So you’ll need to make some changes in order to make your resolutions a reality. That means getting outside your comfort zone and stretching to make them happen.

Most likely, you’ll have to engage several personal strengths in the process – like courage, initiative, perseverance, effort, and self-discipline. You’ll need grit and determination to say “NO” to temptations and distractions. You’ll need open-mindedness and decisiveness to say “YES” to the opportunities that present themselves.

How can you do this? Very few people can stick with their commitment to change on their own. Having a support system in place can mean the difference between success and failure.

Wouldn’t it be great to have a coach available 24/7 to help you through the rough spots, offer encouragement whenever you needed it and hold your accountable for taking action and getting results?

That type of coach is available to you today. If you’re committed to becoming a stronger, better version of yourself in the coming year, I encourage you to check out ProStar Coach. It combines virtual coaching with coaching from real people who care about your success. It’s like having your own private online gym for working out to build personal strength instead of physical strength – and it’s never closed!

"The only reason we really pursue goals is to cause ourselves to expand and grow. Achieving goals by themselves will never make us happy in the long term; it's who you become, as you overcome the obstacles necessary to achieve your goals, that can give you the deepest and most long-lasting sense of fulfillment." - Anthony Robbins, American author (1960- )

Self-Confidence Is the Foundation for Achievement

You have the potential to accomplish some really important things during your life. But will you do them? Most people barely scratch the surface of what they’re capable of.

There are many reasons for this. A big one that holds back a lot of folks is a lack of self-confidence. Somehow we get it in our heads that what we have to offer isn’t that valuable. We minimize our talents, our gifts and our capabilities. Maybe as you were growing up, people who were important to you – your parents, teachers, coaches and even friends – gave you more criticism about what you did wrong than praise for what you did right. With this kind of ongoing negative input, it’s hard to develop strong self-esteem. And low self-esteem has a huge impact on your confidence level.

When you lack strong self-esteem and self-confidence, here’s what happens. No matter how well you do something or what successes you achieve, that inner critic is constantly chattering in the background, finding fault with what you’ve done.

What you have to do first is STOP the negative self-talk. Start paying attention to all those things you do well. And give yourself your own gold stars, as one of my mentors, Dan Kennedy likes to say. As you make deposits in your own emotional bank account, you’ll start feeling more sure of yourself. You’ll realize that you can do more than you thought you could.

And the opinions of others will matter less to you.

Then at the end of each day, maybe right before you go to sleep, take time to do two things:

1 – Reflect on the things you accomplished or did well that day, no matter how small. It’s important to acknowledge and give yourself credit for these. Think about what you’re grateful for, to put yourself in a positive state of mind.

2 – Visualize in great detail something you intensely want to do, have or be. Let yourself experience all the positive feelings you’ll have when this happens.

If you do that EVERY day, you’ll start taking on new and different challenges. You’ll say YES more often to opportunities that come your way. Each time you stretch and experience a success, your belief system expands. When that happens, your self-confidence grows and now you’re set up to accomplish the really big things that you were meant to do.

“Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: WORK” – Jack Nicklaus, American professional golfer (1940- ) 

“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.” – Michael Jordan, American professional basketball player (1963- ) 

“Don’t limit yourself. Many people limit themselves to what they think they can do.” – Mary Kay Ash, American business leader (1918-2001)

The Four Downsides of Being a Lifelong Learner

Anyone who knows me well will be stunned to read the title of this post.

How can I say there are negative aspects to ongoing self-development? I’ve always invested heavily in my own personal and professional growth – both financially and experientially. And my software company has been publishing assessment and development tools for over 17 years.

But as one for whom learning is a passion, I’ve discovered there are four downsides.


#1 – Accumulating a lot of knowledge without applying it in the real world

I admit that I rarely read novels. I prefer business books on topics like marketing, sales, leadership and personal development. That’s because I absolutely love my business, and I’m always interested in learning how to improve systems, relationships and of course, our bottom line. But sometimes I start on the next book before I’ve taken time to analyze and use the insights gleaned from the one I just read.

Lesson: For every book or program you go through, list the ideas that make sense for your situation. Then commit to implementing the one strategy that will make the biggest difference in your business or life, and hold yourself accountable for doing it.

#2 – Getting overwhelmed with too much information

As I read books and newsletters, watch DVDs, and listen to CDs, I can get paralyzed. There are so many directions to go. Is it possible to organize the mass of ideas into a cohesive action plan?  And how do I deal with conflicting opinions and determine whose approach will get the best results?

Lesson: It’s about quality, not quantity. Determine the one subject, program or book to focus on, and dedicate time to it. Then use your gut as well as your rational mind to evaluate the concepts presented. Which ones sound and feel right for your business? Just one book with one idea can transform the way you do things and the outcomes you achieve. Look for the nuggets.

#3 – Spending money on the next hot idea before mastering the ones already purchased 

Falling into this trap contributes to the situation described in #2. Some people call this tendency the “bright shiny object” syndrome. I’ll hear about a great solution to a business challenge, and I sometimes want to dive into that when I haven’t finished going through the materials I’ve already invested in.

Lesson: Use self-restraint and self-discipline. Say “no” to any attractive offers that come along until you’ve fully digested the one you’re consuming now. Unsubscribe from mailing lists that continually blast you with the next great offer promising to double or triple your results. Find someone who will require you to justify your reason for wanting to make a particular purchase.

#4 – Experiencing the uneasy feeling that you’re still not ready or good enough

When I’m studying the work of people who’ve specialized in a particular subject for many years, I sometimes feel inadequate. I’ve postponed taking action because of thoughts like, “If I just get a little more information about this, then I’ll be able to do that.” The truth is, there’s no end to the comparisons that could be made where I would fall short.

Lesson: No matter what field you’re in, there’s always room to grow and learn. You’ll never reach the end of what you can become, but don’t let that stop you from using the knowledge, skills and talents you already possess. Give yourself full credit for what you already have, and recognize that when you try things, they don’t have to be perfect.

The Bottom Line

Despite the drawbacks I’ve described here, I intend to continue my pursuit of becoming a better version of myself. The process of thinking about and articulating these four downsides has made me more keenly aware of their potential to harm instead of help me in my journey. As a result, I’ll keep my eyes wide open and be more careful to avoid these traps going forward.

Because in the end, it’s not about what you know. It’s about what you do with what you know.

"Professional Football Player" Is an Oxymoron in Some Cases

I’m a big fan of college sports, especially college basketball. I only watch professional sports on occasion. After what I’ve seen recently, I’m very glad that’s the case.

In one recent NFL game, a receiver caught a pass near the sideline of the opposing team. Afterwards, he tossed the football at one of the assistant coaches and then proceeded to make taunting gestures at him.

In another game, a player caught the football in the end zone and scored a touchdown. He was standing when he made the catch, but afterwards he dramatically fell on his back, then jumped up and started beating his chest and prancing around.

In both cases, the officials threw penalty flags. But the 10- or 15-yard penalties seemed minor consequences compared to the disregard shown to the other team and the fans.

Other times players even threw punches at each other. Some of these resulted in penalties but others did not.

I found myself asking, “Why do the coaches tolerate this kind of behavior? Why don’t they make these players sit out the rest of the game…at a MINIMUM?”

Players who lack self-control and composure need to be held accountable for their actions. Period. If they’re allowed to act this way on the field, what else might they do?

I learned something from the business world that applies to sports teams as well: The standard is set by the lowest-performing person on the team. 

In sports, when someone gets away with showing off or using violence, the other players take note of that. If no serious consequences occur, then others may do something even more outrageous to see just how far they can go.

Why I object to players exhibiting such unprofessional behavior... 

1 - They forget they’re part of a team.

The flagrant disregard for the impact their actions might have on their team shows lack of respect and consideration. They’re concerned only about what feels good to them at that moment. I suspect this narcissistic approach is not limited to the football field.

2 - They set a poor example for young viewers.

People who play professional sports have a responsibility to their fans. Whether they want to be or not, they serve as role models for those who watch their games. Kids in particular are paying close attention to what they say and do…and what happens (or doesn’t happen) as a result.

I would like to see more team owners and coaches take a stronger stand against the actions of self-centered players who disregard the greater good in favor of their own wants and desires.

The truly outstanding coaches understand that they are not just trying to win games. They will win more games when they recognize they have a responsibility to develop human beings who strive for excellence and work hard to be a positive influence in the world.

Thanksgiving and Gratitude

This time of year, we are often reminded to count our blessings and reflect on what we’re thankful for.

It’s actually an even better idea to establish a daily practice of gratitude. When we’re caught up in the problems we face each day, it’s easy to lose sight of the good things that are right in front of us.

Taking time first thing in the morning or at the end of the day to write down the top 5 or 10 things you are thankful for is a powerful exercise. It changes the way you perceive the world and think about what happens to you.

To help you shift into that “attitude of gratitude,” here are some of my favorite quotes on the topic...

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” – Charles Dickens, British novelist (1812-1879)  

“Gratitude is the heart’s memory.” – French Proverb 

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” – Albert Schweitzer, French philosopher (1875-1965) 

“Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” – Gertrude Stein, American novelist (1874-1946) 

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." – Oprah Winfrey, American actress (1954- ) 

“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.” – Mother Teresa, Indian humanitarian (1910-1997) 

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” – Marcel Proust, French novelist (1871-1922)

Changing a Bad Habit: From Dirt Road to Superhighway

If you’ve ever tried to change a bad habit, you know how hard that can be. But you may not know why.

Your established behavior pattern is like a familiar, well-traveled road. You’ve used it for so long that the turns and stops are practically automatic. But somewhere along the line, you’ve realized your habitual way of doing things is causing problems for you, so you decide to learn a better way.

Rationally, you may acknowledge that creating the new way will be worth the effort. It will be faster, easier and more efficient…and will produce much better results. But it’s not easy to get there because you’re trying to do something different and unfamiliar.

The problem is, in order to make the change, you have to literally rewire your brain. Over time, doing things the old way caused your brain to connect up a physical circuit. And your brain doesn’t stop using it just because you decide you want to do something different.  You won’t stop using this old circuit until you establish a new one. You’re going to have to build a brand new super-highway.

But building these new connections is like starting with a dirt road. Construction of a new habit is going to take time – from several weeks to months – just as a road construction project doesn’t happen overnight. It’s going to be a bumpy, rough ride at first because the new behavior feels awkward.

And you have that old, comfortable, familiar road competing for your attention. When you experience setbacks, it will be very tempting to revert back to it.

In the early stages, you can get discouraged, For one thing, you may not appreciate how much time is required to establish a new habit. And there’s a lengthy awkward phase that’s a natural part of the process. You might feel clumsy and forgetful.

This is a vulnerable time, because progress may be so gradual that it seems like you’re not getting anywhere. When setbacks and frustrations happen, you’ll be tempted to go back to your old, familiar way. A lot of people give up at this point.

You’ve reached what we call the “Crunch Point.” My business partner Denny Coates explains how to “Get Past the Crunch Point” if you’re serious about changing a behavior.

What you probably don’t realize is that if you persist when the going gets rough, if you just keep trying in spite of the failures and disappointments, your success rate will gradually improve and your brain will eventually rewire itself. The construction of your superhighway will be complete – your new habit is now ingrained.

"Overnight success stories take a long time." - Steve Jobs (American business leader, 1955-2011)

Stop Criticizing Other People

Steven Pressfield’s brilliant book about overcoming resistance, The War of Art, contains this profound piece of wisdom about criticism:

"Individuals who are realized in their own lives almost never criticize others. If they speak at all, it is to offer encouragement."

As Your Voice of Encouragement, I am keenly interested in finding ways to uplift others. And this quote explains why some people find that easy to do, while others do not.

If you tend to think or speak critically about others, there’s something going on within you that needs to be examined. There is some aspect of your own self that you find unacceptable, but you may not want to look in the mirror. It’s much easier to turn your attention outward and find fault with those around you.

Very likely, your own inner critic is hard at work pointing out your short-comings and emphasizing your mistakes. It’s painful to listen to this kind of chatter. So when that happens, you may be quick to judge the actions of others.

The Downsides

It’s one thing to give others constructive feedback about a specific action. It’s quite another to continually point out perceived flaws. Often, the criticism centers around them doing something differently from the way you would have done it. You feel the need to explain what’s wrong with their approach and rationalize that you’re trying to be helpful.

But expressing disapproval this way rarely works.

I know, because I’ve done this myself more times than I can count. And it turns out badly every time. The other person resents being evaluated and judged, because that’s how it feels no matter what spin you try to put on it. Trust gets threatened because they aren’t sure you’re really in their corner.

Asking questions instead of making overtly disparaging statements does not guarantee you’ve got it right either. For example, starting a question with “Why” is often disguised criticism.

"Why are you doing it that way?"
"Why didn't you show some consideration for me?"
"Why don't you stop [smoking, drinking, etc.]?"

The unspoken message is, “You’re wrong and I’m right.” 

So when you ask “Why” questions, expect a defensive reaction. If you don’t believe me, start monitoring your own reaction when you get asked this kind of question.

When people feel defensive, the walls go up. You’re unlikely to connect at a level of honesty and openness. Over time, if you continue finding fault – or even worse, belittling them in front of others – they will withdraw emotionally and your relationship will be superficial at best.

The Take-away

When you feel comfortable in your own skin, you’re not threatened or offended by the imperfections you see in others. You know how difficult it is to deal with life’s daily challenges because you’ve had to weather them yourself.

Having a deep conviction that you matter makes it easier to show compassion and patience to the people you care about. You won't need to criticize and judge them. Instead, you'll look for ways to build them up and expand their view of themselves.

“Practice treating other people as if they had value, and surprisingly, your own self-esteem will go up.” – Maxwell Maltz in The New Psycho-Cybernetics

Self-Discipline – The Key to Productivity

Dan Kennedy and me at Glazer-Kennedy SuperConference

Dan Kennedy, a marketing mentor to entrepreneurs and small businesses, is one of the most prolific writers I know. He publishes one or two books each year and contributes original articles to several newsletters every month. People are amazed at the number of written words he’s able to produce in a single year.

Now Dan will be the first to tell you that he enjoys goofing off as much as anyone else. So what’s his secret to achieving such consistently high levels of performance? Working to deadlines. He uses what he calls “self-imposed” discipline to complete his ambitious task list each day.

What you should do is often at odds with what you want to do. It’s tough to stay on track and follow through, especially when you could be doing something more fun. That’s why many people don't reach their goals – they’re just not willing to say NO to the easy stuff and YES to the hard stuff often enough.

But when you don’t impose discipline on yourself, you can’t achieve the long-term results you want. Your self-respect suffers because you let yourself down and you lose confidence in your ability to get things done.

So what’s the solution? The first step is to recognize that self-control has to come from within you. No one else can give you discipline. Don’t blame circumstances or other people for your failure to stay on track. Take full responsibility for what you want to achieve.

Next, make a conscious decision to control your thoughts and your actions. Put yourself under a self-imposed plan with start times, stop times and deadlines. Then stick with your schedule, even when you’re tired or you feel lazy. Just say no to other activities and do what you committed to do.

Finally, keep track. Measure your progress at the end of each day, and hold yourself accountable for what you accomplished. At the same time, review the payoffs you got from completing these tasks. This will fuel your motivation and help you stick with your plan.

These steps will not help you, though, unless you have a big “WHY.” You must have a vision or goal that’s significant enough to drive you to do what you need to do, even when you don’t feel like it. Figure out your purpose, and you’ll be amazed at the self-discipline you can apply.

“How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most.” – Stephen Covey, American author (1932- )