Fear vs. Worry: Why They Are Not the Same

Among the many useful insights I took away from Gavin de Becker’s masterful book The Gift of Fear, one of the most profound was a deeper appreciation for the distinction between worry and fear. Until reading the final chapter, I had not pondered the difference. But the author not only defines them clearly, he points out why one is harmful and the other can be life-saving.

Gavin de Becker is one of the most sought-after, highly respected experts on security issues in the world. His firm protects people who are at risk, and his clients include celebrities, governments and large corporations. He knows what he’s talking about, and his book is filled with stories – some startling, some chilling, and all true – that will remain embedded in my brain for years to come.

According to de Becker, people too often associate the word fear with other words like worry, panic and anxiety. But they are not the same. While the latter emotions are voluntary, genuine fear is involuntary. It’s a survival signal wired in us that sounds only in the presence of danger and is intended to be very brief. The problem is that “unwarranted fear has assumed a power over us that it holds over no other creature on earth.”

On the other hand, worry is a choice. When we allow ourselves to become preoccupied with what might happen, there are clear downsides: “It interrupts clear thinking, wastes time, and shortens life.”

So why do we do it?

People expend so much energy on worry because it serves them in some way.

One of the less dramatic but still memorable stories illustrates the point. A client asked De Becker to interview a woman who worked in one of their offices. She was worried about being attacked in the parking lot because she was always the last one to leave. At the end of every work day, she was filled with intense fear and anxiety. When asked why she always left so late, the woman replied that she was concerned about being perceived by her co-workers as lazy. Over time, she came to take pride in having the identify as the employee who always worked the longest. Because of her need to retain this identity, she’d never considered leaving at the same time as others. Instead, she remained stuck in a continuous state of worry.

There’s another problem with constantly being on the alert. When you’re preoccupied with potential dangers that may be lurking, you actually decrease the likelihood that you’ll perceive a real danger or threat. With your imagination working overtime, you’re more likely to miss the specific signals that could tell you something is amiss.

As de Becker says, “If one feels fear of all people all the time, there is no signal reserved for the times when it’s really needed… If we are looking for some specific, expected danger, we are less likely to see the unexpected danger…Your survival brilliance is wasted when you focus on unlikely risks.”

He offers three tips for distinguishing between fear and worry:
1.  When you feel fear, listen.
2.  When you don’t feel fear, don’t manufacture it.
3.  If you find yourself creating worry, explore and discover why. Take time to answer the question: How does this serve me? 

You may find that the price of worrying is greater than the price of changing, and that insight can serve as the motivation you need to make the necessary change.

“To worry oneself is a form of self-harassment …Worry is the fear we manufacture – it is not authentic. If you choose to worry about something, have at it, but do so knowing it’s a choice.” 

Gavin de Becker in The Gift of Fear

A Mother's Day Tribute: My Role Model for Patience

My amazing mother, Doris Roy Melancon, and me

I don’t have to look very far to find the person who’s modeled the personal strength of patience throughout my entire life.

My mother.

As we honor mothers this time of year, I reflect with deep gratitude on the ways my own mother has positively influenced my life through the consistent application of patience with people and situations.

Thinking back to my growing up years with five other siblings, I can count on one hand the number of times my mother showed frustration or exasperation with one of us. And every one of those situations warranted such a reaction. We weren’t angels.

What’s even more remarkable is that she had to manage this large brood on her own quite often because my dad’s work required regular out-of-town trips.

It’s only as an adult that I can fully appreciate her ability to maintain a calm, serene demeanor in the face of the daily twists and turns that six children presented her with.

She excelled in paying attention to the needs of others and responding in a way that was just right at that moment. She never seemed to get bored re-reading the same book with us for the 30th time. Or explaining how to perform a specific task. Or waiting.

She did a lot of waiting.

Trips to the doctor when my sister broke her collarbone. Or a brother put his face through the glass door. Or my dad cut the tendon in his knee when using an axe to cut up tree limbs.

No matter what the situation, my memory of her in each one was the epitome of patience.

This strength was never required more – nor was it ever more evident –  than during the last months of my father’s life in 2012. Almost on a daily basis, Dad’s ability to do things for himself diminished. This proud, self-reliant man was reduced to utter dependency for every aspect of living.

Mom sensed his frustration with this loss of independence, and she consistently spoke to him with compassion and love in her voice. After 64 years of marriage, she understood her husband to the core, and she was totally committed to making sure his final days were filled with as much love and positive interaction as possible.

Her tone of voice was something to marvel. No matter what he requested or tried to do, she maintained that calm, reassuring presence that I’d witnessed all my life. I’m sure there were times that she was scared, exhausted and overwhelmed. But the face she showed Dad was supportive, tender and serene.

When I’m in a situation where I start to feel impatience creep in, I just need to summon the image of my mother with her children or with my father. Her behavior provides a model for my response. And it serves another purpose. It reminds me how incredibly lucky I was (and am) to have been raised and supported by such an amazing woman.

“The practice of patience toward one another, the overlooking of one another's defects, and the bearing of one another's burdens is the most elementary condition of all human and social activity in the family, in the professions, and in society.”

Lawrence G. Lovasik (1913-1986), Catholic priest and author

Take Initiative and You’ll Stand Out

My daughter Alison is now a successful broker in a financial services company. But when she was first hired several years ago, she started out as a sales assistant working for four brokers.

Alison had only been there a few months when she came up with a questionnaire for the brokers to use when meeting with their clients. Its purpose was to uncover needs that the clients might have – to make sure the broker discussed other services the firm could provide. No one asked her to do this. She was simply on the look-out for ways to make her brokers more effective, and she wasn't afraid to suggest something new. It turns out the brokers loved the form, told one of the executives about it, and he encouraged all the brokers to use it. Alison developed a reputation as a star assistant throughout the company because she not only got great ideas – she translated them into action.

But not everyone does this. As someone who’s hired many people over the years, I have found it’s the rare person who takes this kind of initiative. The vast majority wait to be told. Maybe they think it’s safer. You can’t get into trouble if you don’t take unnecessary risks. Or maybe the thought of trying something new or different never even enters their head.

And yet, seeing something that needs to be done and then doing it without being told is one of the most prized behaviors any employer, professional association, club or family could want from its members.

It’s a type of personal leadership that makes someone truly stand out from the crowd. While everyone else is standing around waiting for orders, the person who takes initiative is busy looking around to see what needs to be done…and then kicks into action.

Ask people who've achieved great success, and they’ll tell you that most of the things they attempt don’t work. But they don’t let that stop them. They keep trying other things because they’re confident that at least a small percentage of the things they do will work. They know that the only way to get momentum going is by taking action.

If you find yourself lacking ambition, energy or just plain gumption, it’s worth pondering these insights from British playwright George Bernard Shaw:

"The people who get on in this world are the people who look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.”

"You don't learn to hold your own in the world by standing on guard, but by attacking, and getting well-hammered yourself." 

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." 

If you want to make a real difference in the communities you’re involved with – in both your personal life and your career – start taking initiative more often. Your efforts will get noticed, and you’ll develop a solid reputation as a person who gets things done.

How Well Do Your Communication Habits REALLY Work?

My husband Lee was telling me about his meeting with one of our neighbors who has a problem with the joists under his house. In short order, Lee figured out the problem and laid out the solution to the guy. Lee has been a residential home builder for more than 30 years, and he never ceases to amaze me with the depth of his knowledge in this area.

Sometimes when he describes these types of projects to me, he uses technical terms I’m not familiar with. And I can’t always visualize the construction elements he’s describing. Even when he takes out a piece of paper and draws a picture for me, I struggle to see what is so obvious to him.

And to be honest, some parts of a job that excite him are not that interesting to me. Situations that involve people rather than physical objects capture and hold my attention much more. So I have to work hard at staying focused on what he’s saying and really “get” what he’s trying to tell me.

In some conversations, I've allowed my mind to wander. Then I’m in trouble when he poses a question like, “What do you think?” Since I missed some of what he was saying, I have to ask him to repeat it or admit that I didn't hear everything he said.

Either way, I've communicated to him that his message wasn't that important to me. If I did it very often, our relationship would suffer.

In every relationship – whether it’s with your spouse, child, boss, coworker, customer, friend or other family member – there’s an array of communication skills required if your goal is to connect with the other person at a meaningful level.

When you listen, you have to give your focused, undivided attention. To keep your eyes locked on them and not get distracted by other people who may walk by...or other thoughts that enter your head. To respond in a way that demonstrates you truly hear and understand what they’re trying to say.

And when you speak, your words need to affirm and uplift whenever possible. You may have the best of intentions when you criticize, give advice or offer solutions. But these approaches are typically not welcomed by the other person.

The problem is, we all have established habits when it comes to communicating with others. And as I've learned over the years, it’s easy to fall back on old habits that get in the way of effective communication.

Recently, my business partner Denny Coates and I talked about this problem. In Episode #14 of our Strong for Parenting podcast, we discussed  the challenges parents face in overcoming established patterns when they want to improve the way they communicate with their children.

After we recorded it, I realized that the message applies to everyone. No matter who you’re trying to communicate with, you need to know why it’s so hard to break your existing habits and form new ones. When you understand that – and you’re willing to do the work to make the change – the payoff is stronger, more positive relationships with each person you care about.

"The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting for the old, but on building the new." - Socrates

Don’t Use THIS Tone of Voice…EVER

My company had just completed a survey of our customers using our 20/20 Insight software, asking them to give us feedback about our product and our technical support staff. I was studying the results to identify areas we could improve the program and our service.

These two comments grabbed my attention.

“I hesitate to call because I don’t like the way Sue talks to me.”

"I avoid calling unless I’m desperate for help. Sue uses a condescending tone whenever I call.”

Since almost all the other ratings and comments were stellar, I was puzzled about these outliers.

I knew Sue to be a dependable, conscientious worker who promptly returned calls and knew our software inside and out. She was competent and courteous, based on my personal observations. What had happened to trigger this negative feedback?

That’s the question I posed to Sue when I met with her to discuss these comments. I showed her the report and waited for her to respond.

Her reaction was not what I expected. I thought she’d apologize and say she’d had a bad day or have some other reasonable explanation.

Instead, she nodded her head, sat back and looked at me with a smug smile.

“Oh yes, that’s accurate. There are times when a customer calls with a question that I've already explained to them multiple times in the past. So I use an irritated tone of voice on purpose. I want them to know I’m not happy that they’re asking me to go over the same procedure again.”

Oh. My. Gosh.

After I recovered from the shock of hearing her rationale, I spent time coaching her on the reasons why she could no longer take that approach. Like the importance of having customers delighted with their experience after they call us, not annoyed or upset. And how it makes someone feel when that tone of voice is used. And how not calling for help was the opposite of what we wanted.

To her credit, Sue “got” it, and we never received any other complaints like that again.

But I realized this sort of thing happens all the time in life.

People use a condescending or sarcastic tone of voice to make a point or teach a lesson. A parent wants to get his kid’s attention. A manager wants to set an employee straight and let her know who’s boss. Family, friends, coworkers – you can find examples everywhere.

But what the speakers of these messages don’t seem to realize is that NO ONE likes to be talked to this way. It’s demeaning and hurtful. It serves only to put the other person down.

If you’re ever tempted to speak to another human being in a patronizing way, stop and ask yourself: How would I feel if someone spoke to ME that way? 

Then think about what you could say instead that would preserve the other person’s dignity and still express your thoughts and feelings in a way that promotes a meaningful conversation.

You have the power to uplift another’s spirit…or crush it, depending on your choice of words and tone of voice. If you want to make a positive difference in the lives of those around you, choose kindness and tact every time.

"Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. They make other people good-natured. They also produce their own image on men's souls, and a beautiful image it is."  - Blaise Pascal

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” - Plato

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." - Henry Drummond

The High Price of Ignoring Intuition

In our last office space, I had a private door to my office off the main hallway. I typically used that door for trips to the ladies’ room since it was closer than our main entrance. I left that door unlocked during those trips since I was only gone for a few minutes and didn’t want to have to carry my keys.

One morning, as I entered the hallway, I encountered a tall, slender man in a black suit with a brightly colored shirt and tie. As I passed him, this message entered my head:

“Go back and lock your door.”

But I dismissed the thought, consciously choosing to ignore the signal my intuition was trying to send me. I rationalized that I was being paranoid simply because this fellow’s appearance was quite different from other business people who entered our building.

When I returned to my office, I got back to the task at hand. About 15 minutes later, my phone rang. A woman who identified herself as “Sandy,” a teller with my bank, said that someone had just tried to use my ATM card to withdraw money from my account. I always kept my ATM card in my wallet, so I whirled around in my chair and grabbed my purse. My wallet was gone!

I thought back to the man I passed in the hallway. I realized he had been waiting for me to enter the restroom, so he could slip into my office and steal my wallet. I also recalled seeing an unfamiliar woman outside the ladies’ room earlier that day. My stomach turned flips as I pieced together what happened. She had been monitoring my actions to determine when they could take advantage of my absence from my office.

My mind was racing and my emotions were ablaze as Sandy was telling me that there had been three unsuccessful attempts to use my ATM card. She said the bank could reset my PIN if I just told her my old one. In this state of being unnerved by the theft, I wracked my brain to come up with the 4-digit code and gave it to her, never questioning the wisdom of giving out that confidential piece of information.

After hanging up, I immediately cancelled my credit card. Then I decided to call the bank to find out if they had a camera on their ATM drive-through. Maybe they got the thieves on camera? To my horror, I learned there was no Sandy at the bank. The thieves had impersonated my bank so they could get my PIN number and withdraw money from my bank account.

Fortunately, I had a terrific bank, and they restored the money that had been withdrawn from my account. And the credit card company credited back the few charges that the thieves had time to make before I cancelled the card.

But still, the experience haunted me for weeks. If only I had not ignored the clear signal that my intuition had tried to send me about the stranger I’d encountered. Somehow, my body and mind knew before I did that this was a person not to be trusted.

Even though this incident happened several years ago, I recalled it in vivid detail recently as I was reading The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker. De Becker, one of the nation’s leading experts on violent behavior, describes the importance of trusting your intuition when it comes to assessing dangerous situations and people.

He offers this explanation of intuition’s ability to inform us instantly in unsafe situations while an analytical approach falls short:

“What many want to dismiss as a coincidence or a gut feeling is in fact a cognitive process, faster than we recognize and far different from the familiar step-by-step thinking we rely on so willingly. We think conscious thought is somehow better, when in fact, intuition is soaring flight compared to the plodding of logic. Nature’s greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk. Then, intuition is catapulted to another level entirely, a height at which it can accurately be called graceful, even miraculous. Intuition is the journey from A to Z without stopping at any other letter along the way. It is knowing without knowing why.” 

The next time your inner voice speaks to you, pay attention. There may be a warning or simply a message that you need to hear. And even better, read this book. Your safety may depend on it one day.

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift."

Albert Einstein, American physicist (1879-1955)

Jake Davidson and Kate Upton - Taking a Chance

Jake Davidson and companion in the opening scene of his video

Have you ever thought of doing something audacious but talked yourself out of it because you were afraid of failing...or concerned about what other people might think?

Recently two young people took a risk and it paid off in ways they never expected.

Talia Myers, a USC student majoring in film-making and daughter of my colleague Gordon Myers, created a YouTube video that garnered more than 2 million views in less than a week.

How did she do that?

It’s all because a young man named Jake Davidson decided that he wanted to invite supermodel Kate Upton to his high school senior prom. But he had to find a way to get her attention. That’s where Talia’s expertise came in.

Together they created a two-minute video that resulted in instant celebrity for Jake after Kate responded with this tweet:

The news media got hold of the story and during the next few days Jake was featured on several national TV and radio programs. He became an overnight sensation.

This is the video that started it all…



I know it’s unlikely that you’ll be making a video to invite a famous person out on a date, but Jake and Talia exhibited three personal strengths that you can use, too.

CREATIVITY

The video stood out. Talia and Jack took a unique approach – incorporating an engaging story and humor into a compelling invitation – and it got Kate’s attention.

Sometimes we base goals on our past experience or what we’ve seen those around us do. Let your imagination run wild. Think BIG. Brainstorm the most fantastic outcome you could hope for, and ask yourself what you need to do to make that a reality.

COURAGE

Jake had no idea if Kate would even respond. But if he hadn’t asked, he would have remained unknown to her. And these publicity opportunities would certainly never have happened.

Examine what holds you back from stepping out of your comfort zone and taking a risk. Think about the worst that could happen. Often, it’s not that bad! Even if you fail, you can learn from the experience. And you’ll realize you can do far more than you originally thought possible.

CONFIDENCE

I think another reason Jake got Kate’s attention was the self-assurance he displays throughout the video. Based on her tweet above and her phone conversation with him on the Today Show, she was clearly taken with him and his approach.

People can sense when you are confident…and when you’re not. Give yourself credit for what you’ve done in the past. You have prevailed in the face of many difficulties in your life. Let those successes remind you to remain poised when presenting your ideas to others.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop and look fear in the face.”

Eleanor Roosevelt, American diplomat (1884-1962)

A Lesson from Steubenville: Parents Must Be Leaders

One question kept running through my mind as I followed the news about the recent rape trial in Steubenville, Ohio: “Where were the parents of these young people?”

Too many parents today are so out of touch with their children’s lives that too often they do not know where their children are or what they’re doing. And these same parents are not taking time to have the kinds of conversations that establish expectations for appropriate behavior.

More discussions need to happen in families about common decency and what it means to treat others with respect. Children – no matter what their ages – look to their parents to provide the guidance, direction and boundaries needed to navigate the uncertain path to adulthood.

And that means parents must be leaders. In the world of work, the most successful executives, managers and supervisors lead by example. They show in their own behavior what they want others to do. They also invest time in nurturing the development of those in their charge.

Parents have a responsibility to do the same thing for their children.

If you’re a parent, this brief video will touch your heart and inspire you to be a better leader with your own kids.

"Be what you want your team [child] to become." 

John Wooden, American college basketball coach (1910-2010)

When Trust Is Violated

Many years ago, when our daughter Alison was a toddler, we hired a neighborhood teen, “Jane,” to babysit. Jane seemed to genuinely enjoy being with Alison and took good care of her while we were gone.

A short time later I happened to run into Jane and her mother outside the local grocery store. What started out as a friendly exchange suddenly turned to feelings of shock and horror. That’s because I just happened to look at Jane’s hand as she brought it up to wipe her bangs out of her face.

On her finger was one of my rings!

A sickening feeling settled into my stomach as the reality sank in. The only way she could have gotten access to that ring was to go into my closet and then into my jewelry box. I felt violated and betrayed. I had trusted her not just with Alison but with everything in our house.

My heart felt like it was going to pound through my chest when I said, “That is MY ring you’re wearing. You stole that from my house.”

Now it was her mother’s turn to look horrified. She looked at her daughter, then at me and then back at Jane. “Is that true?” she asked Jane.

At first Jane denied it. But when I described where and when I’d purchased the ring, she admitted that she had taken it.

Her mother was mortified because she and I were good friends. She had eagerly volunteered Jane’s services when she’d learned we were looking for a babysitter. And of course, I assumed Jane could be trusted.

Clearly, I’d been wrong about that.

This was a very awkward moment for all of us. Jane removed the ring from her finger, and handed it to me. “I’m sorry,” she muttered.

I had to ask the question. “Did you take anything else?”

“No,” she said, looking down at the ground.

At that point I had no confidence in her answer, but I couldn’t be sure if anything else was missing until I returned home to check.

Meanwhile, we parted ways.

A few hours later, Jane and her father appeared at our front door. In her hands she carried another piece of jewelry and two other personal items. She could barely look at me, but she placed them in my hands and said, “I’m so sorry. These are yours, too.”

The three of us had a lengthy conversation, processing what she had done.

I explained that stealing is a criminal offense and I could call the police to report the theft. Although I assured them I was not going to do that, I did tell her there would be a significant consequence. She had violated the trust we’d put in her, and she would never be allowed in our home again. I wasn’t willing to risk her stealing or lying to me again.

Doing the right thing requires a lot of inner strength, especially when no one else is looking. It’s easy to act impulsively and not think through the potential consequences of our actions. We all face situations where we have to make moral and ethical choices. We’d do well to heed this wisdom from Thomas Jefferson: “Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching." 

Because here’s the harsh reality. When you intentionally do something wrong, even when it looks like you got away with it, somebody gets hurt. Your relationship with those affected by your actions could be permanently destroyed if they find out. And even if no one else ever knows, you suffer negative consequences. You know what you did was not aligned with your values, so your conscience will bother you. The incident causes lasting damage to your self-image and your self-respect.

So whenever you’re faced with hard choices or conflicting alternatives, just be honest with yourself. In almost every case, you’ll know in your heart the right thing to do. And each time you do the right thing, you have no regrets, nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.

"The toughest thing about the power of trust is that it's very difficult to build and very easy to destroy." - Thomas J. Watson, Sr., American business leader (1874-1956)

Life Comes Down to “Moments”

My father would have been 91 today. It’s the first birthday he hasn’t been here for us to celebrate it with him. I honored him in this post, "A Life That Mattered," after his death on November 25, 2012. Remembering his life and its positive impact on all who knew him makes it easier to deal with his absence on this, his special day.

My uncle “Bub” emailed a touching note to me and my siblings to let us know he was thinking about us on this sad occasion. He also reflected on his visit with us last year to celebrate Dad’s 90th birthday. Bub reminded us that “life comes down to Moments.” As someone who just entered his 88th year, my uncle has come to appreciate one of life’s most important lessons.

We can set ambitious goals, pursue a rewarding career, or make grand plans for a successful enterprise. But in the end, it’s instructive to remember that what counts most in life – what we cherish at the end of our lives – are times shared with those who mean the most to us.

Ironically, this point is reinforced beautifully in one of my favorite business books.

Executive Coach Marshall Goldsmith closes What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, with a thought-provoking chapter. He asks the reader to imagine that you are 95 years old and ready to die. You have the opportunity to go back in time and give advice to your younger self. What counsel would you provide?

He then shares what elderly folks have actually reported when asked this question, and three key points emerged:

1. Enjoy the NOW. Find happiness and meaning in the current moment. Quit projecting ahead to when you get the next achievement, promotion or house, and focus on appreciating and taking pleasure in who and what you have in your life today.

2. Make time for family and friends. The people who care about you most want time with you. Do you carve out enough time each day, week or year for your personal relationships? You have to invest lots of moments with them in order to strengthen the bonds you have.

3. Follow your dreams, both large and small. Have you figured out your true purpose in life? Once you do, your life has more meaning if you give yourself permission to pursue that passion. No one else can experience your life but YOU, so don’t be held back by concerns about what others will think.

Applying this wisdom starts with awareness.

Take time to think about your current attitudes and actions as they relate to these pieces of advice. If you agree that these are major contributors to a successful life, what do you need to change to make your daily life become more aligned with them?

Start by taking one day or one minute – whatever you have – to translate these ideas into action.

That way, when your time comes, you'll have no regrets. Instead, you and those you love will have only cherished memories of all the moments that added up to life well-lived.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” 

Thornton Wilder, American playwright (1897-1975)

Listening Counts…with Strangers AND Family

I had just gotten settled in to my seat on the airplane for the long, cross-country flight and was looking forward to digging into the book I’d brought along. Then the woman who would be my seat-mate for the next several hours arrived. She was very outgoing and keen on striking up a conversation. I briefly thought about ignoring her or giving nonverbal cues (like keeping my head buried in my book) that signaled I did not want to engage in conversation, because I really want to enjoy the time to myself.

But then I realized I had an opportunity to connect with another human being, to make her feel cared about and understood. Besides, maybe I could learn something from her and gain some insights that would be valuable down the road.

So I closed my book, turned towards her and gave her my undivided attention as she opened up about significant events that were happening in her life. The conversation turned out to be a gift for both of us, though I could never have predicted that outcome in advance.

I got to thinking about the opportunities we have every day to listen and just “be there” for the ones we profess to care about most. But often we miss those moments.

There are times when I want to focus on what I’m reading or doing, but my husband Lee is eager to share something he’s been thinking about. It takes effort, patience and love to consciously shift my full attention to him and what he wants to say.

I can remember times in past years when I wasn’t so smart about this, and I hurt his feelings by brushing his comments aside. Or I would appear to listen but then wasn’t able to respond intelligently to a question that he posed, so he could tell I wasn’t really “there.”

It’s even easier to tune out your children when they start talking. When they’re wound up, kids can ramble and go into details that you don’t care about. You may even think, “Just give me a few minutes of silence and time for myself!”

If they’re telling you about a problem, you may be tempted to offer a quick solution to save time and get on with what you were doing.

But the truth is, listening is one of the most important gifts you can give to your children, as this brief video from the Strong for Parenting YouTube channel illustrates.



As any parent with adult children will tell you, the years that you have your children at home are fleeting. You can make the most of the time you have by making sure you really hear what they’re trying to tell you.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” - Leo Buscaglia, American author (1924-1998)

Is a Lack of Confidence Holding You Back?

Several years ago we had an opening in our company for a technical support specialist. This position requires a person to have both technical skills and people skills because the key role is to provide customer support for our software products.

That’s not an easy combination of skills to find in one person, but we had narrowed our choices to two candidates based on strong resumes and an initial phone conversation.

When it came to the in-person interviews, the contrast was stark and the choice became obvious rather quickly.

Candidate A’s body posture and eye contact communicated a complete lack of self-confidence. He rarely looked at me when I spoke to him or asked a question, and his responses were vague and uncertain. He was so clearly uncomfortable that it was a relief for him and me when the interview ended.

I couldn't imagine him on the phone interacting with our customers, who are looking for someone to reassure them and take command of a problem when they call.

When Candidate B arrived later, I was impressed. He sat up in his chair, looked me straight in the eye, and was quite articulate in explaining why he’d be the ideal candidate for the job. He maintained his poise no matter what types of questions I threw his way. His references were stellar, and he gave several examples of solving customer problems in other jobs he’d held. We hired him because it was easy to picture him competently handling a variety of situations with our software users.

During the years that he worked for us, we consistently got rave reviews from customers about his attitude and skills. It was not uncommon for me to receive unsolicited emails and notes about the outstanding service he provided.


Whether or not you’re in an interview situation, people are assessing your levels of competence and confidence all the time. They do this by observing the way you speak and carry yourself.

What message do YOU send?

If you’re not conveying the strength and self-assurance that you'd like to, here are two ideas for boosting your confidence.

1. Start paying more attention to what you do well, not the mistakes you make or the skills you lack. We all have room for improvement, but you possess many abilities that can serve you and others well. Heed this advice from American educator Henry Van Dyke:

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.”

2. Absorb, internalize and apply the wisdom from these champions in the world of sports, who understand at a deep level what it takes to build confidence.

Golf great Jack Nicklaus: “Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work.”

Arthur Ashe from the world of tennis: "One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation."

Pro football quarterback Roger Staubach: “Confidence is the result of hours and days and weeks and years of constant work and dedication.”

Your level of confidence will affect everything you do and say in life. So if your lack of confidence is holding you back, commit today to do the necessary work to improve it, one step at a time.