Self-Forgiveness Is Key to a Strong Self-Image

When someone else inflicts physical or emotional pain on you, you may react in a variety of ways: anger, lashing out, silence, or withdrawal. If you’re not careful, a deep-seated resentment can take hold. And when that happens, your relationship suffers a potentially devastating blow.

The secret to moving past the pain is forgiveness, recognizing that the other person is fallible and deserves to have another chance.

Unfortunately, we often don’t treat ourselves with the same compassion when we make mistakes or fall short of who we want to be. If you’re not careful, you can hold a lifetime grudge against yourself that keeps you from achieving your potential.

It’s not always easy to detect when you’re doing this, but here’s one thing you can start doing now: Monitor your thoughts and self-talk.

Ever watch a football game on TV and get tired of them re-running the same play while the officials are reviewing the call? They show the play from different angles, and the announcers declare what the officials should decide before the final judgment is announced. Sometimes I want to shout, “Enough already!”

Actually, that’s a pretty good phrase to use on yourself if you find that you’re mentally replaying a scene from your own life ad nauseam.

Let’s say you’ve said something hurtful to someone you care about, and you wish you could take the words back…

Or you didn’t stand up for yourself when another person criticized you in front of others…

Or you wanted to make a positive impression on an individual or a group but didn’t come across the way you wanted to.

The list could go on, because it’s easy to identify situations where you didn’t perform the way you wanted to.

You could expend a lot of time and energy thinking about what happened and berating yourself for not living up to your personal ideal standards. But doing that only serves to damage your self-image, and you don’t learn anything from the experience.

So what’s the alternative?

Each time you find yourself rehashing an event from your past, ask yourself these Five Magic Questions and write down your answers. This brief activity will help you reflect on what happen, take away the lessons and move on.

1.  What happened? Describe the sequence of events.

2.  Why did it happen that way? Identify what contributed to the outcome.

3.  What were the consequences? Describe the impact of the event.

4.  How would you handle a similar situation in the future? What lessons can you take away that you can apply if this happens again?

5.  What will you do NOW? What is your next step?

We call these “magic” questions because they can transform YOU and the way you see yourself. Maybe your next step is to make amends to another person, or maybe it’s simply to let go and forgive yourself regarding this incident.

Because the simple truth is, you can’t change the past. It’s DONE. What you can change are your thoughts and behavior going forward.

If you stay stuck because you feel bad about things you cannot change, you’ll miss out on the present moments that are unfolding before your eyes. And you won’t even see the opportunities on the road in front of you because your mind and eyes are focused on the rearview mirror.

Take to heart this wisdom from Maxwell Maltz in The New Psycho-Cybernetics:

“You cannot see your future with optimistic eyes if you cannot view your present and past with kind eyes.”  

3 Questions to Make Next Year Your Best Year

As we approach January 1, you’ll hear a lot about the importance of making New Year’s resolutions. But most goals that people set at the beginning of the year - such as getting physically fit, getting out of debt or making more money - do not become reality.

There are many reasons for this, such as a lack of sufficient motivation, inadequate commitment, or an unwillingness to experience discomfort. And sometimes the goals are simply outside the realm of possibility.

The problem is, if you create unrealistic goals, you don’t just set yourself up for failure. You set yourself up for lowering your self-respect and self-confidence, which then impacts the effort you’ll invest in working towards your goals. And your belief in what’s possible for you diminishes as well, as you see yourself falling short of what you hoped for.

You can inoculate yourself from these downsides and increase your chances of success if you carve out some time to write out the answers to three questions.

1. What positive results did I get that I am proud of and WHY?

You HAVE accomplished many good things this year, and you need to recognize them. List as many as you can think of, no matter how small or trivial they may seem to you. Reviewing all your achievements serves to expand your beliefs about what’s possible for the next 12 months.

For each item on your list, include WHY you got the result you did. What specifically did you do? When you understand cause and effect, you can figure out how to repeat the process.

2. What results didn’t work out the way I hoped and WHY?

No one is perfect, and that includes you. So despite your best efforts, you made some mistakes and experienced setbacks or failures. You need to learn from them so you don’t repeat them next year.

After you describe the situation, examine what you did or didn’t do that contributed to the undesirable outcome. You’ve got to be totally honest with yourself if you are serious about getting a different result in the coming months.

3. What results do I want next year, and what actions will I need to take to make them a reality?

If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you can’t expect the outcome to be different. By definition, a goal is a destination you haven’t achieved yet. So you’ll need to make some changes in order to make your resolutions a reality. That means getting outside your comfort zone and stretching to make them happen.

Most likely, you’ll have to engage several personal strengths in the process – like courage, initiative, perseverance, effort, and self-discipline. You’ll need grit and determination to say “NO” to temptations and distractions. You’ll need open-mindedness and decisiveness to say “YES” to the opportunities that present themselves.

How can you do this? Very few people can stick with their commitment to change on their own. Having a support system in place can mean the difference between success and failure.

Wouldn’t it be great to have a coach available 24/7 to help you through the rough spots, offer encouragement whenever you needed it and hold your accountable for taking action and getting results?

That type of coach is available to you today. If you’re committed to becoming a stronger, better version of yourself in the coming year, I encourage you to check out ProStar Coach. It combines virtual coaching with coaching from real people who care about your success. It’s like having your own private online gym for working out to build personal strength instead of physical strength – and it’s never closed!

"The only reason we really pursue goals is to cause ourselves to expand and grow. Achieving goals by themselves will never make us happy in the long term; it's who you become, as you overcome the obstacles necessary to achieve your goals, that can give you the deepest and most long-lasting sense of fulfillment." - Anthony Robbins, American author (1960- )

Self-Confidence Is the Foundation for Achievement

You have the potential to accomplish some really important things during your life. But will you do them? Most people barely scratch the surface of what they’re capable of.

There are many reasons for this. A big one that holds back a lot of folks is a lack of self-confidence. Somehow we get it in our heads that what we have to offer isn’t that valuable. We minimize our talents, our gifts and our capabilities. Maybe as you were growing up, people who were important to you – your parents, teachers, coaches and even friends – gave you more criticism about what you did wrong than praise for what you did right. With this kind of ongoing negative input, it’s hard to develop strong self-esteem. And low self-esteem has a huge impact on your confidence level.

When you lack strong self-esteem and self-confidence, here’s what happens. No matter how well you do something or what successes you achieve, that inner critic is constantly chattering in the background, finding fault with what you’ve done.

What you have to do first is STOP the negative self-talk. Start paying attention to all those things you do well. And give yourself your own gold stars, as one of my mentors, Dan Kennedy likes to say. As you make deposits in your own emotional bank account, you’ll start feeling more sure of yourself. You’ll realize that you can do more than you thought you could.

And the opinions of others will matter less to you.

Then at the end of each day, maybe right before you go to sleep, take time to do two things:

1 – Reflect on the things you accomplished or did well that day, no matter how small. It’s important to acknowledge and give yourself credit for these. Think about what you’re grateful for, to put yourself in a positive state of mind.

2 – Visualize in great detail something you intensely want to do, have or be. Let yourself experience all the positive feelings you’ll have when this happens.

If you do that EVERY day, you’ll start taking on new and different challenges. You’ll say YES more often to opportunities that come your way. Each time you stretch and experience a success, your belief system expands. When that happens, your self-confidence grows and now you’re set up to accomplish the really big things that you were meant to do.

“Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: WORK” – Jack Nicklaus, American professional golfer (1940- ) 

“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.” – Michael Jordan, American professional basketball player (1963- ) 

“Don’t limit yourself. Many people limit themselves to what they think they can do.” – Mary Kay Ash, American business leader (1918-2001)

The Four Downsides of Being a Lifelong Learner

Anyone who knows me well will be stunned to read the title of this post.

How can I say there are negative aspects to ongoing self-development? I’ve always invested heavily in my own personal and professional growth – both financially and experientially. And my software company has been publishing assessment and development tools for over 17 years.

But as one for whom learning is a passion, I’ve discovered there are four downsides.


#1 – Accumulating a lot of knowledge without applying it in the real world

I admit that I rarely read novels. I prefer business books on topics like marketing, sales, leadership and personal development. That’s because I absolutely love my business, and I’m always interested in learning how to improve systems, relationships and of course, our bottom line. But sometimes I start on the next book before I’ve taken time to analyze and use the insights gleaned from the one I just read.

Lesson: For every book or program you go through, list the ideas that make sense for your situation. Then commit to implementing the one strategy that will make the biggest difference in your business or life, and hold yourself accountable for doing it.

#2 – Getting overwhelmed with too much information

As I read books and newsletters, watch DVDs, and listen to CDs, I can get paralyzed. There are so many directions to go. Is it possible to organize the mass of ideas into a cohesive action plan?  And how do I deal with conflicting opinions and determine whose approach will get the best results?

Lesson: It’s about quality, not quantity. Determine the one subject, program or book to focus on, and dedicate time to it. Then use your gut as well as your rational mind to evaluate the concepts presented. Which ones sound and feel right for your business? Just one book with one idea can transform the way you do things and the outcomes you achieve. Look for the nuggets.

#3 – Spending money on the next hot idea before mastering the ones already purchased 

Falling into this trap contributes to the situation described in #2. Some people call this tendency the “bright shiny object” syndrome. I’ll hear about a great solution to a business challenge, and I sometimes want to dive into that when I haven’t finished going through the materials I’ve already invested in.

Lesson: Use self-restraint and self-discipline. Say “no” to any attractive offers that come along until you’ve fully digested the one you’re consuming now. Unsubscribe from mailing lists that continually blast you with the next great offer promising to double or triple your results. Find someone who will require you to justify your reason for wanting to make a particular purchase.

#4 – Experiencing the uneasy feeling that you’re still not ready or good enough

When I’m studying the work of people who’ve specialized in a particular subject for many years, I sometimes feel inadequate. I’ve postponed taking action because of thoughts like, “If I just get a little more information about this, then I’ll be able to do that.” The truth is, there’s no end to the comparisons that could be made where I would fall short.

Lesson: No matter what field you’re in, there’s always room to grow and learn. You’ll never reach the end of what you can become, but don’t let that stop you from using the knowledge, skills and talents you already possess. Give yourself full credit for what you already have, and recognize that when you try things, they don’t have to be perfect.

The Bottom Line

Despite the drawbacks I’ve described here, I intend to continue my pursuit of becoming a better version of myself. The process of thinking about and articulating these four downsides has made me more keenly aware of their potential to harm instead of help me in my journey. As a result, I’ll keep my eyes wide open and be more careful to avoid these traps going forward.

Because in the end, it’s not about what you know. It’s about what you do with what you know.