Break-in at Our Office Building

When I walked in to our office building at 7:30am on September 13, I couldn’t believe what I saw.

This is a very attractive two-story brick building with lots of glass, located in an upscale business park. But you wouldn’t have guessed it that morning.

Sometime during the night, thieves shattered one of the side glass doors. Apparently they had scoped out the building and realized the security system extended only to the locks. There were no sensors on the glass doors or windows so the alarm did not go off when they broke in.

The robbers proceeded to violently enter the offices of two tenants. Fortunately, we weren’t one of them.

I say “violently” because they took an axe to one of the wooden doors and literally chopped out the area around the lock. With the other office, they used that same axe or another strong instrument to break the glass door.

Expensive new computers and electronic equipment were the apparent targets. The thieves likely cased the building in advance and selected these offices. They both have glass entries so a lot of their equipment is clearly visible to anyone walking by.

Even though my company’s office was spared, I still felt violated.

I immediately recalled the time three years ago when a different thief boldly entered my office while I was in the ladies room and stole my wallet. It felt creepy to know my movements had been watched.

When you’re a law-abiding citizen and play by the rules, it’s more than unsettling to experience the effects of these kinds of criminal behavior.

It’s a violation of basic trust. Not just concern about thieves breaking in, but also questioning the integrity of the owner of our building. Why hadn’t he taken measures to secure the windows and doors since there was so much glass? Why weren't there security cameras inside and outside the building to record movement after hours?

I was reminded how fragile trust is in relationships.

A single act of betrayal can destroy years of trust-building. The building’s glass was shattered in just a few minutes. The effects of lying, cheating or infidelity can be just as instantly devastating, whether it’s a personal or professional relationship.

I think it’s appropriate to feel outrage about robbery and other violent crimes, and I certainly want to see justice done.

But this incident also forced me to take a hard look at my own motives and behavior, to make sure I act with integrity in the way I live my life.

How about you? 

"The toughest thing about the power of trust is that it's very difficult to build and very easy to destroy." - Thomas J. Watson, Sr., American business leader (1874-1956)

Your Tone of Voice Matters

In November of 1998 I received a phone call from “Sharon,” one of our 20/20 Insight software customers. She had some basic questions that were clearly explained in our documentation, but apparently she hadn’t read the information or simply didn’t understand it.

Earlier in the day, I had dealt with some unexpected problems, and I was behind schedule with a project I was working on. So I was a bit distracted when she called, and I wanted to get through the conversation as quickly as possible.

When I responded to the questions Sharon was asking, there was an edge in my voice. I didn’t realize this, of course. In my own mind I was simply responding efficiently to her questions.

Later I received a phone call from the value-added reseller, Bill, who had sold the software to this customer. Bill said Sharon had called him and complained about me, saying that I had been abrupt and impatient.

I was stunned. One of my core values is treating others with respect and consideration. I had no idea that I’d come across this way until it was brought to my attention.

It wasn’t the words I’d used that offended her. It was the way I said them.

When I got this feedback, I immediately called Sharon and apologized.

This experience taught me a valuable lesson. It didn’t matter what my intention had been.

What counted was her perception of my attitude and behavior. 

More than a decade later, I still monitor this aspect of my speech during conversations. When someone is talking to me, I try to set aside whatever thoughts and emotions I may be feeling at the moment so I can tune in to the person and respond appropriately.

Clear communication is a challenge in the best of circumstances. You’ve got a lot on your plate; and when you’re busy, you may not want to worry about how you come across.

But if you care about your relationship with the person you’re interacting with – whether it’s a customer, a co-worker, your spouse or one of your children – you must consider the potential impact that your tone can have on that individual.

You have to be self-aware and self-monitoring. Because it’s very possible that others won’t tell you directly how you’ve come across. You can do lasting damage and not even realize it.

Let this wisdom from Maya Angelou be your guide.

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou, American author (1928- )

A Wedding Worthy of Celebration

Jake and Alison Foley

On Saturday, September 24, our daughter Alison got married.

People get married every day, of course, but when it’s your own child, that’s different.

Selecting the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with is a very big deal, but too often that decision is not given enough thought. Important areas of compatibility – such as values, spending habits, sex, religion and attitudes about money – are often not explored adequately up-front. So issues are likely to emerge after the couple says, “I do.” The result: Too many marriages that end in divorce.

With Alison and Jake, I believe things will be different. They are two mature people who took the time to really get to know each other well. They invested the effort to tackle these critical subjects and work through them. The prognosis for their long-term happiness is excellent.

So their wedding ceremony was a genuine celebration. The love and commitment they have for each other was clearly visible. One of the ministers (a close friend of Alison’s for 12 years) had asked each of them to send her a letter describing why they had decided to marry. There were not many dry eyes in the church as she read portions of their letters. Each of them put a lot of thought into their replies, and their heart-felt words came through loud and clear.

Jake and Alison are strong, independent individuals. Yet as their relationship grew and deepened, they came to realize that they were more complete with each other than without.

When you think about it, that’s how every healthy relationship should be. The other person contributes something significant that enriches your life and helps you become an even better person.

So consider this: What can you do to lift up the people who are most important to you, to help them recognize and fulfill their true potential?

Never underestimate the positive impact you can have on another’s life when you take time to affirm who they are and what they’re capable of.

Alison and Jake have chosen well, and I’m excited about their continued evolution as a couple and as individuals. You’ll be hearing more about their life adventure together in future posts.

Meanwhile, enjoy one of the readings from their ceremony:

I Love You by Carl Sandburg

I love you for what you are, but I love you yet more for what you are going to be.
I love you not so much for your realities as for your ideals.
I pray for your desires, that they be great
rather than for your satisfactions, which may be so hazardously little.
A satisfied flower is one whose petals are about to fall.
But the most beautiful rose is one hardly more than a bud,
wherein the pangs and ecstasies of desire are working for a larger and finer growth.
Not always shall you be what you are now.
You are growing toward something great.
I am on the way with you and therefore I love you.

Finding the Upside

Every now and then I read a book that inspires, educates and gives practical tips I can use right away. Find the Upside of the Down Times by Dr. Rob Pennington is that kind of book.

Rob has faced extreme adversity in his life and prevailed. Even when the “down times” included getting shot in the chest by an assailant, fired from his job, audited by the IRS and taking care of a critically ill spouse. Instead of becoming cynical and discouraged, Rob used each of these challenges as an opportunity to learn and grow.

I admire that. His courage, optimism and perseverance serve as motivation and encouragement for me.

And Rob did two things that caused the book to be a compelling read:

Self-Disclosure. Rob makes himself vulnerable to the reader. He doesn’t pretend that he was strong or perfect in the middle of these circumstances. Instead, he allows us to see his emotions, doubts and struggles. He’s one of us so we can identify with him and realize that it’s possible to emerge successfully from even the gravest of situations.

Structure. Each chapter contains the same three parts:
1 - Personal story that captures your attention and describes his challenge
2 - “What to Remember” – the lesson learned from the experience
3 - “What to Do” – the specific actions you can take to apply the lesson in your own life

For example, in the chapter “Turn a Worry into a Goal,” Rob describes his serious concerns about paying the $36,000 hospital bill he received after getting shot. He didn’t have the money and didn’t know how he’d get it. He explains how he was able to hold a “positive possibility” in his mind and find the solution to this problem. The action steps provided at the end helped me work through a specific challenge I was facing at the time.

Like any book, if you just read Find the Upside of the Down Times, you’ll gain some insights you didn’t have before. But if you actually implement the clear, step-by-step suggestions included with each chapter, you’ll experience the true potential to change your attitude and your results.

In his preface, Rob recommends reading just one chapter at a time. Then take time to think about how you can put the concepts into practice in your life.

I agree. This is a book to be savored over time. Although it could be a quick read, you’ll get the greatest benefits by following his suggestion.

You’re going to face many difficulties in your life. Some of them will even bring you to your knees. Absorbing the wisdom in this book will prepare you for those times so you emerge stronger from the experience.robertpennington.com

Are You Willing to Listen to Feedback?

We all make mistakes.

While you probably agree intellectually with that statement, it’s not always easy to admit when you actually make one. Especially when someone else points it out to you.

Learning to graciously respond to constructive feedback is one of the most important skills you can ever learn. But we aren’t taught how to do it in school or at home. Most people respond with defensiveness, excuses, or withdrawal. Those reactions shut down communication, so the recipient of the feedback doesn’t learn anything, and the behavior doesn’t change.

In this video one of the most outstanding and entertaining speakers I know, Lou Heckler, tells a memorable story about his new dentist’s reaction to feedback. It’s a terrific example of a person who really listened and took action.



Next time someone tries to give you constructive feedback, invite that person to tell you more about what happened and what they want you to do instead. When you find out what they're looking for, your chances of delivering that behavior in the future are greatly enhanced.

And be sure to THANK the person for being honest with you. It took courage to bring the subject to your attention.

The Portable Generator Lesson

When Hurricane Irene came through our area in southeastern Virginia, we felt like we had dodged a bullet. The winds were far less than predicted, and we never lost power when the storm was at its worst.

But around midnight, I could still hear the wind howling, and I noticed the light was gone from the digital clock on my nightstand. Our power was out. When we got up the next morning, we still didn’t have power, so my husband Lee said he was going to run our small portable generator for a while, to make sure the food in the refrigerator and stand-alone freezer stayed cold.

We went out to the garage and he rolled the generator out to the driveway close enough to the house to plug in all the cords. And then he said, “I’m going to show you how to do this so you can do it yourself if you need to. It’s really easy.”

That was my first clue that it wasn’t going to be easy…for ME. Because, as I pointed out in an earlier post, my husband is a technical genius. He’s been taking things apart and putting them back together his entire life. There is no mechanical or technical problem that he cannot fix…at least none I’ve seen in our 29 years of marriage. He could easily have his own TV show and put This Old House to shame. He’s that good.

So when he said this would be easy, that should have been my clue to go back in the house and grab a pad of paper and pencil to take notes. But I didn’t. Instead, I decided to simply watch and listen, hoping I’d somehow remember all the steps.

First is this thick gray cord that connects the generator to an outlet that’s installed outdoors. That sounds simple enough, but each of them has to be grounded and so there are actually FOUR connections at this point and they have to be done in a very specific way.

Then there are buttons to turn on and off, a choke to turn on and a pull-start like a lawn mower to get it started. And you have to pull it HARD, I noticed. Inside the garage is a separate emergency panel with its own set of breakers. And there are different ones you have to turn to the off and on position.

See what I mean? 

I could feel my stomach tighten up as I thought about how easy it would be for me to forget a step or do something out of sequence and maybe blow up myself in the process.

As I was standing there watching him and trying to absorb what he was saying, I resolved to make sure I do everything I can to keep my husband healthy. I don’t ever want to have to do this myself.

And of course, like magic, after Lee made all the connections, pushed all the right buttons and moved all the right switches, the power came on in the zones he selected. The freezer and refrigerator were soon humming along. And I breathed a sigh of relief that I have him in my life to handle tasks like this.

How does this relate to you?

You’ve learned how to do a lot of things well in your life. And now they’re automatic. But not everyone in your life has these same skills.

There are many occasions when you’ll be in a position to teach others what you know – whether it’s introducing your teenager to the world of driving or a coworker to a new software application.

In such instances, you’ll need patience and understanding. Try to imagine the thoughts and feelings they may be having….uncertainty, fear and doubt. But they probably won’t tell you. They don’t want to look bad or appear foolish.

Just remember that it’s going to take time, practice and lots of repetition for someone to acquire the ability that now comes so naturally for you. You may have to go over the directions more than once. Your job here is as much about helping the other person gain confidence as it is about showing how to do the skill. When you keep that in mind, you’ll take an approach that helps the other person relax. Your patient, compassionate attitude will facilitate the learning process and strengthen your relationship at the same time.