Give Constructive Feedback the Right Way

Have you ever have to deal with a situation like this?

Someone – maybe a customer, colleague, friend or family member – said or did something that caused problems for you. And you weren't sure how to handle it - what to say, what to avoid saying, whether you should say anything at all…

You’re not alone.

Many people are hesitant to give constructive feedback to someone else, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they're afraid of an angry or defensive reaction. Or they don't want to cause hurt feelings.

Or they hope the person will recognize the problem and eventually correct it without the need to bring up the subject. But that's not what usually happens.

When others make mistakes or disappoint you, it’s important to address the issue because these individuals often don’t realize they’re causing problems for you. They don’t see their actions the way you do. This behavior is a blind spot for them, and they're unlikely to change unless you tell them. They can't read your mind, and a heavy sigh or a glare does not communicate what you want from them.

If you're like me, you never had a course in high school or college on how to give feedback to someone whose behavior is creating issues for you. And it's unlikely your parents or other adults provided a good role model for this skill when you were growing up, because they weren't taught the right way to do it either.

You already know what doesn't feel good when you're on the receiving end of criticism. Name-calling. Judgmental statements that label you. Phrases that imply a permanent condition, such as, "You always..." or "You never..."

So what approach can you take that allows you to express your needs and preserves the other person's dignity at the same time?

Over the years, my business partner Denny Coates and I have learned the secret for giving others feedback. We've consolidated all the nuggets into a 10 minute video, How to Give Constructive Feedback.

You don’t have to opt in to watch it. Just be ready to take notes, because the steps are all laid out for you.

By the way, this is just one of two dozen People Skill videos we've created in our ProStar Coach online virtual coaching system. If you're serious about making long-term changes in habits that have been holding you back, this is a program you'll want to check out.

Listening – A Lesson in What NOT to Do

I was just finishing up my third year of teaching 4th grade at an elementary school in Blacksburg. While I’d enjoyed those three years, I was ready for a change. I’m the kind of person who thrives on variety and challenges.

But my principal didn’t want to reassign me to a different position. He was eager to keep me where I was because I was doing such a good job. So when he refused my request, I decided to apply for an opening that came up at another school.

I was actually serious about making the transfer, until I had an interview with that school’s principal. Although that meeting took place more than 30 years ago, I remember to this day the reason I withdrew my application.

It had to do with listening.

We met for close to an hour, and I think I spoke a total of five minutes during that time.

It was fascinating at first to hear him describe specifics about his school and the faculty. But then he began “holding forth” about himself and all the things he’d done.

At no time did he try to learn about my teaching style, my attitude towards children, or anything else that might have helped him make an informed decision about my suitability for the position.

Instead, at the end of our time together, he looked at me and said, “I think you’re the kind of person who’d fit right in here. The job is yours if you want it.”

I was flabbergasted.

He hadn’t spoken to my current principal, and he hadn’t asked me any questions.

I’ll never forget the thought that ran through my mind at that moment: How could you possibly know if I’d fit in? You haven’t made any effort to get to know me at all! 

I politely told him I’d think about it and get back to him, but I already knew what my answer would be. His behavior during that interview foreshadowed what life would be like at that school. There was no way that I would work for someone who was so self-absorbed.

Since then, I’ve encountered scores of people – many of them in key leadership positions – who share this principal’s habit. They’re focused on talking about themselves and their accomplishments. They don’t seem to consider that those around them might have something meaningful to say. They don’t understand that, by listening, they can learn from others and validate their worth.

Today I consider this habit a measure of a person’s ego and self-awareness. The more you’re willing to let others have the floor and listen with genuine interest to what they're saying, the more comfortable you probably are in your own skin. And the less you feel the need to dominate discussions. You’re more likely to acquire important information and gain insights you didn’t have before.

A test to check how much you’re listening versus talking

When you’re in a conversation with others – whether individually or in a group – imagine that there’s a spotlight shining down on the person who is speaking. Consciously monitor the percentage of time the spotlight is focused on you compared to the others.

If you’re in the spotlight most of the time, it’s a good bet the people you’re talking to are experiencing a mix of frustration and disappointment. Like me in that interview, they’re probably wishing you’d stop talking long enough to take an interest in them.

Not only that, if you don’t listen, how will you know what your customer really wants? Or what a colleague thinks will work on a specific project? Or what your child needs from you right now?

In case you need further convincing, simply monitor your own reaction when you’re engaged in a conversation with someone who’s pre-occupied with delivering their own message and appears to have no interest in what you have to say. I predict your thoughts and feelings won’t be positive.

Whether you’re at home or at work, when you take time to let others do the talking and you focus exclusively on understanding them and making them feel understood, you will be utterly amazed at the transformation that takes place in your relationships.

Every human being has a deep need to be accepted and understood. If you fulfill that need, you’ll form an unbreakable bond that can last a lifetime.

"It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life.” - Alfred Adler, Austrian psychiatrist (1870-1937) 

What Do You Have a “Knack” For?

My husband Lee and I were traveling north on Interstate 85, returning home from a visit to his mother, who’s lived in a nursing home for seven years. These trips give us time to talk, away from the hectic pace of our typical work week.

We had just passed a truck pulling a boat with a large outboard motor on the back. My thoughts drifted back 25 years to the boat Lee’s parents used to own. They loved to take it out on nearby Buggs Island Lake to fish for crappies, whenever they could get away from the country store they owned and operated.

The motor on their boat was much smaller than the one on the boat we’d passed, but it still had to be maintained. I wondered who had taken care of that, so I asked Lee if that was his father's job.

His laugh gave me my answer, but then he added, “My dad? He didn’t know how to do anything mechanical. Neither did my mother.”

It turns out that, from the time he was a teenager, Lee had maintained all the equipment and vehicles that his parents owned…their tractor, riding lawn mower, car, truck, and outboard motor. If anything broke, they looked to him to fix it.

And with good reason.

Ever since he was a small child, Lee loved taking things apart and figuring out how to put them back together. To this day, there is no tool, engine, electrical device or household appliance that intimidates him.

Lee likes to say he has a “knack” for fixing things. I call it GENIUS because I am often lost when faced with mechanical or technical challenges.

I’ve been married to Lee for 29 years, and I’m still amazed at his ability to tackle - with total confidence - anything that breaks. He takes this extraordinary ability for granted and doesn’t understand why others (like me) find anything with a motor or moving parts so mysterious and daunting.

The truth is, I don’t want to do the work to develop the skills he has – and I doubt I could come even close if I spent the rest of my life trying.

I’m much more fascinated by people and how they work. And that’s a good thing, considering the business I’m in. I've learned to play to my strengths. It's much more rewarding and fun.

What is it that comes easily to you AND you love to do? And when people see you do it, they’re amazed? 

Take time to think about what your special “knack” is. Because the world needs it. And your life will be rich and fulfilling when you get to do it a lot.

Leave a comment below sharing what your unique genius is and how you use it in your life.

Use a Victory Log to Build Self-Esteem

When your inner critic is busy feeding your mind negative messages, it can be hard to maintain strong self-esteem. Keeping a "Victory Log"* reminds you about your accomplishments so you give yourself credit for the positives. Learn how easy it is to set one up and use it to strengthen your belief in yourself and your abilities.



*Special thanks to Judy Robinett, who introduced the term “Victory Log” to me. Judy served as the CEO and President of a publicly-traded biotech company for eight years and now helps obtain funding for start-up companies.

“There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.” - Nathaniel Branden, American psychologist (1930- )

“What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates his fate.” - Henry David Thoreau, American philosopher (1817-1862)

“The best things in life are yours, if you can appreciate yourself.” - Dale Carnegie, American author (1888-1955)