Habits Take Time to Ingrain - for Leaders and Everyone Else

There's a reason why athletes spend hours and hours practicing to improve just one small element of their game. Whether they realize it or not, what they're doing is strengthening the neural pathways in their brain so the pattern becomes stronger and more natural.

It's the same process for any skill we're trying to learn or habit we're trying to change. And it takes a lot of concentration and time for the behavior to transition from feeling awkward to feeling comfortable.

In this fifth interview with my business partner Denny Coates, you'll discover why it takes time to ingrain a leadership skill...and think about how this explanation applies to something you're attempting to master.



Next time you need to learn something new, pay attention to the process you move through to become more comfortable performing the behavior.

In case you missed them, you can watch the first four videos here:

#1 – 4 Vital Things Every Leader Must Do

#2 – Why People Usually DON’T Give Their Best Effort

#3 – Leader Skills Are NOT Enough

#4 - Leaders Learn Best ON THE JOB, Not in the Classroom

Offering Perspective: The Third Step of Encouragement

Paula, Denny, Meredith

When you’re trying to be an encourager, you can follow four steps that can make a real difference in the other person’s life. The first two steps are LISTEN and AFFIRM. After that, you’ll want to OFFER PERSPECTIVE.

Remember, the discouraged individual is focused on the negatives in his situation. That’s natural—these are the issues that are causing his present distress!

To restore a balanced, realistic perspective, affirm the negatives, but remind the person that the situation isn’t all negative. There are advantages, potentials, opportunities, resources and other upsides going for it. Pointing these out is helpful, because the positives are real.

One of my two business partners, Paula Schlauch, was once out on extended medical leave. I absorbed most of her responsibilities during those two months.

At times I found myself getting anxious and discouraged from the additional pressures. My other partner, Denny Coates, works in another state and couldn’t help with most of these day-to-day tasks. But he was my encourager.

One day, when I was feeling really overwhelmed, I told Denny how hard it was to juggle everything. He asked me to talk about what was bothering me.

After listening without interruption, he acknowledged that what I was doing was hard. He reminded me of a time when I excelled despite some tough obstacles. Denny affirmed my personal strengths and reassured me that in the end I’d be able to get everything done. And he made a suggestion: 

“It’s true that the last eight weeks have been just as hard as you say. But instead of focusing on the past, try shifting your perspective to the future. You know Paula will be back in a week or so. Think about that, and how great that will be.”

That simple conversation helped change my outlook. I felt like a new person when I went home that day. I had my confidence back. And I thought how great it is to have a partner who knows how to encourage.

When you’re in a position to offer encouragement to someone else, be sure to include this key step of offering perspective to help the person view the opportunities in the situation, not just the negatives.

"What do we live for if not to make life less difficult for each other?” - George Eliot, British novelist

How Do Leaders Best Learn New Skills?

When you’re trying to learn any new skill, there’s a big difference in reading a book or watching a video and actually using the skill in a real situation. Even if someone is coaching you or showing you exactly how a specific procedure should be done, the first time you try to do it, the action will feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Mastering leadership skills is no different. You can’t become proficient by sitting in a classroom, even if it’s taught by the best instructor on the planet. There’s a critical step that every person must follow in order to become really good at any skill.

In this fourth interview, my business partner Denny Coates explains what’s required for leaders to ingrain a skill so it becomes a natural behavior pattern.



What works best for you when you’re trying to learn a new skill, whether it’s on or off the job?

In case you missed the first three videos, you can watch them here:

#1 – 4 Vital Things Every Leader Must Do

#2 – Why People Usually DON’T Give Their Best Effort

#3 – Leader Skills Are NOT Enough

Self-Esteem - Believe in Your Own Worth.

It’s natural to want others to like you and accept you. When you’re happy to be the person you are, you won’t be as concerned about what other people think. Learn why immunity to the criticism of others is a key ingredient to developing a healthy self-esteem.



What do you do on a regular basis to keep your self-esteem strong and healthy?

"Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are." - Malcolm S. Forbes, American publisher

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” - Mark Twain, American novelist

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." - Lucille Ball, American comedian

"Our self-image and our habits tend to go together. Change one and you will automatically change the other." - Maxwell Maltz, American author

The Role of Personal Strengths in Leadership

Having strong people skills is absolutely critical to being an effective leader. You’ve got to know how to give and receive feedback, listen well, and resolve issues that arise between individuals on your team. But there’s another element that’s equally vital, and it’s not addressed in most training and development programs.

In this third video in the series of interviews I conducted with Denny Coates, you’ll discover what personal strengths are and why they matter. It’s not easy to exercise patience with others who aren’t like you, have perseverance when you encounter difficulties, or maintain focus when there are so many distractions in a single day. But the ability and desire to grow stronger as a person will be a key to your success in getting things done through others.



Think of the personal strengths you need to exercise in your work and personal life. If you could become stronger in just one area, which one would make the greatest positive difference for you and those who interact with you?

“All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me….You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." - Walt Disney, American movie producer 

“Change not the mass but change the fabric of your own soul and your own visions, and you change all.” - Vachel Lindsay, American poet

“The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life – mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical.” - Julius Erving, American professional basketball player

“Life is a quarry, out of which we are to mold and chisel and complete a character.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet

In case you didn’t see the first two videos, you can watch them here:

#1 – 4 Vital Things Every Leader Must Do

#2 – Why People Usually DON’T Give Their Best Effort

Affirming: The Second Step of Encouragement

In an earlier post, I explained why LISTENING is the first step you need to use if you’re genuinely interested in encouraging someone who’s experiencing a difficult time. It’s important to let the person talk about what’s bothering her and to show that you understand what she’s saying.

If you know the individual well, you’re aware of her strengths. You know what she’s capable of. The problem is that at this moment, she’s not thinking about that. She’s thinking about what went wrong.

So now it’s time to AFFIRM.

What you do is remind the person of her strong qualities. When things go wrong, people often blame themselves. They may feel inadequate. They may feel a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. They temporarily lose sight of who they are and what they’re capable of.

Painfully focused on their shortcomings, they need to be reminded of their positive qualities. And they’re probably not thinking about past achievements. This is your opportunity to remind the person of her personal strengths, the ones that will get her through this challenge. You can remind her of obstacles she’s faced before in equally tough or even tougher situations - and what she did to succeed.

A favorite colleague who masterminds with me excels in this second step of encouragement. We’ve worked together for five years so she knows me well. If she detects any discouragement in my voice during our monthly phone calls, she listens and then reminds me of the skills and strengths I’ve used in the past to handle a similar challenge. She affirms the specific qualities I possess that will help me deal with my current hurdle. After each of our calls, I feel encouraged and stronger.

The gift you give people through AFFIRMING is a strengthening of their belief in themselves. Whether you’re a manager, a coworker, a parent or a friend, you have the opportunity to encourage another person every day. When you see someone who’s facing a setback, consider how you can listen and affirm. Your support can make a difference not just for that day but for the rest of their life. 

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." - Mother Teresa, Indian humanitarian

Why People Often Don't Give Their Best Effort at Work

I once worked for a boss who brought out my strengths. I looked forward to going to work every day because he'd created an atmosphere that inspired my best efforts. At the time, I didn't analyze what was behind my strong motivation.

In this second segment from my interview with Denny Coates, I realized exactly what this manager did. Denny explains why most people do not typically contribute everything they're capable of in their jobs...and what leaders can do to engage their team members so they want to give 100% each and every day.




If you're in a position to influence others, it's a good idea to ask yourself on a regular basis, "What am I doing to inspire each person to give more than the minimum that's required?"

In case you missed my first interview with Denny, you can watch it here.

Listening: The First Step of Encouragement

When you see that someone is discouraged or upset, you may be tempted to dispense advice or try to solve their problem. Neither of these responses is helpful to the other person and could actually result in a negative reaction. Instead, if you really want to be an encourager to someone you care about, start with listening.

The goal of listening is to convince the discouraged individual that you understand his situation and how he feels about it. This is important, because if he doesn’t believe this, he won’t accept your encouragement.

Focus your full, undivided attention on the other person. Make him feel that he’s the only person in your world at that moment. This means steady eye contact and no distractions.

Invite him to open up. If he wants to vent his frustrations, let him. Pay attention to his tone of voice and body language. This will tell you more about the level of discouragement than the words themselves. Even though you may sense that he’s over-reacting, you must NOT say so. Just let him express his feelings about the situation – without criticism or judgment. Otherwise, he will shut down. Open the conversation with something like:

“You don’t seem like yourself today. Want to talk about it?”

As you hear what he’s trying to say, check to be sure you understand. Say back what you believe he meant.

“So you’ve been working on this steady for five weeks and now you feel that all this work may have been for nothing.”

And don’t deny the reality of the situation. If you say something shallow like, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “It’s no big deal,” you’ll lose credibility.

“You sound pretty upset. I know you feel bad about what happened, and you wish you didn’t have to deal with this on top of everything else. And for the moment you’re not sure what to do about it.”

You’ll be amazed at how people will open up to you when they sense that you’re genuinely interested in how they’re doing and you demonstrate empathy with their situation.