Are You a People Pleaser?

Young children love to get attention and approval from their parents. If you’re on a playground, observe how many kids yell, “Watch me go down the slide, Mommy!” And then they wait for the positive look or exclamation from her once they get to the bottom.

A small example, but significant.

Unless you had an unusual upbringing, you probably sought approval from the important adults in your life, too, including parents, grandparents, teachers, and coaches. It’s a universal need, and it serves an important purpose. You learn to abide by rules, “play nice” with others, and get along in school and society.

But there’s a downside to that dynamic as children grow into teens and then become adults. If you take the need for acceptance too far, you can sacrifice your own needs and rights. Lacking a strong sense of your own worth, you’ll look to others to validate that you’re worthy. You won’t have confidence in your own opinion of yourself or your actions, so you wait for others to express their approval.

Do you find yourself doing things, not because you want to but because you’re hoping your actions lead to acceptance, recognition or praise from others? Do you expend a lot of energy trying to ensure that everyone around you likes you and approves of what you’re doing? If this describes you, you may be a “people-pleaser.”

While the payoff may be getting the approval you seek, the good feeling you experience is temporary and never fully satisfying. That’s because you don’t fully accept yourself.

If you want to make the shift from dependence on others to reliance on your own opinion of yourself, here’s my encouragement:

1. Before you agree to do something, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” This requires a willingness to get to the heart of your motivation. If it’s something you really want to do or it’s part of your job, then of course you’ll want to take it on. But if your honest answer is that your primary motivation is to get someone else’s approval, then reconsider.
    
2. As one of my marketing mentors, Dan Kennedy recommends, learn to give yourself your own gold stars. Don’t wait for someone else to give them to you. Recognize when you’ve done something well, and give yourself credit for it. Don’t minimize or discount your actions.

Your confidence and belief in yourself will grow dramatically as you learn to give yourself the positive strokes that you’ve relied on others for in the past.

"Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality." - Les Brown

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” - Bill Cosby

Integrity - Keep Your Word and Honor Your Promises

It’s not always easy to do the right thing, especially if no one’s watching. But it’s always worth it. Trust hangs in the balance. You can destroy relationships quickly when you show a lack of integrity, so it’s critical that what you say is consistent with what you do. Applying these insights will strengthen your relationships and your self-respect. 

 

What are you doing each day to ensure that you continue to build trust in all your relationships?

“As I grow older I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.” - Andrew Carnegie

“Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.” - Janis Joplin

“You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings.” - Pearl Buck

Compliments Are Free...So Why Don't We Give Them More Often?

In the course of a typical day, we encounter a lot of people – at home, at work, and everywhere in between. And during those instances, we have many opportunities to compliment, thank or praise someone, yet we don’t. We could say things like:

“Thanks for the detailed attention you gave to completing that report. You covered all the bases really well.”
 
“I appreciate your being on time since we have a lot of material to cover.”
 
“I love the way that shirt brings out the color of your eyes.”
 
“That was a fantastic dinner. Thank you for the time you spent fixing it. I enjoyed every morsel!”

Ever thought about why we withhold positive words when it would cost us nothing to give them? I have.

Here are some of my conclusions.

First, we get busy. We’re moving fast and we don’t take time to notice, much less comment on, the good someone else has done or the value they’ve added to our lives.

And, we’re pre-occupied with ourselves. Most people think about themselves most of the time. Even when we're with those we profess to hold dear, we’re usually reflecting on our own problems, plans and priorities.

Both of these instances can be corrected by simply slowing down and focusing our attention outside ourselves so we're more observant. Then it’s easy to find opportunities to give positive feedback.

The last one is trickier because it’s a reflection of our self-esteem.

At times we consciously withhold praise because we think we’ll appear inferior in some way if we pay someone else a compliment. We have a twisted view that somehow, saying positive words to another takes away from our own self-worth. But the reality is, the opposite is true.

The more you give positive feedback to others, the better you’ll feel about yourself. Your own life is enriched when you are generous with compliments, provided they are heart-felt. The simple act of expressing gratitude and appreciation adds to your own happiness.

So don’t wait. Start today to find something positive to say to every person you interact with. You’ll make your world a better place because you'll be enriching the lives of the people in it, including your own.

Flexibility - Adapt to unexpected developments

It’s hard to switch gears when you’re charging hard to implement your plan. But adapting to changes that happen along the way, rather than resisting them, can lead to an even better outcome. Brian Tracy's advice is on-target: "Be clear about your goal but be flexible about the process of achieving it."



Are there times when you needed to take a different approach but were reluctant to change?

"As the water shapes itself to the vessel that contains it, so a wise man adapts himself to circumstances.” - Confucius, Chinese philosopher

"Enjoying success requires the ability to adapt. Only by being open to change will you have a true opportunity to get the most from your talent." - Nolan Ryan, American professional baseball player

Are You Extreme When It Comes to Responsibility?

The first personal development book I ever read - almost 30 years ago - was Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled. I was struck by his opening sentence, "Life is difficult," which is truth-telling at its best. He goes on to say that once you accept this fact, then life becomes easier because you're no longer struggling to try and make it simple.

This is one of the all-time best parenting and leadership books you'll ever read because of its focus on learning discipline, delayed gratification, and personal responsibility. As leaders and parents, we constantly search for the right balance; we want to role-model desirable behaviors for those watching us closely.

The Road Less Traveled introduced me to the terms "neurotic" and "character disorder" as they relate to responsibility. Think of them as two extremes along a personal responsibility continuum. The neurotic assumes too much responsibility, while the person with character disorder avoids it altogether.

Most likely, you're not at either end of the spectrum. But it's worth examining your attitudes and behaviors to identify where along the continuum you land when dealing with life's challenges...because your reactions have a powerful impact on the people who live and work with you.

Those with neurotic tendencies automatically assumes they are at fault when something goes wrong. Their language includes phrases like, "I should" or "I shouldn't," and they often feel guilty about what they have or haven't done. They frequently experience feelings of inferiority, blaming themselves for falling short of their own expectations or making wrong choices. These attitudes leave them vulnerable to being manipulated by others who can sense a lack self-confidence.

People inclined towards character disorder are quick to place the blame outside themselves when things don't turn out well. They say things like, "I couldn't" or "I have to." They can be difficult to be around because they never see themselves as the source of any of their problems. Instead, they take on the classic "victim" role. Counseling is often ineffective because no one can penetrate the denial and convince them that they do have choices.

Take heart that discovering the right level of responsibility is truly a life-long learning process, as Peck states so succinctly:

"The problem of distinguishing what we are and what we are not responsible for in this life is one of the greatest problems of human existence. It is never completely solved."

When faced with a difficult situation, you can do something about your own attitudes and actions. Being aware of these two extremes can guide you to make an appropriate, balanced response. And you'll be better prepared to handle future challenges that are sure to come your way..

Just don't expect it to be easy. Remember, "life is difficult..."

Thoroughness - Examine all the related issues and information.

When you’re excited about starting something new, you may want to jump in with both feet before attending to the details. Taking time to study the facts and evaluate your options will lead to wise decisions. You'll be less likely to act impulsively and you’ll make fewer mistakes.



Before making an important decision, do you tend to move fast or do you prefer to take your time and do your homework?

Please leave a comment and describe a time when being thorough paid off for you.

What "Fresh Eyes" Can Do for Your Business and Your Life

When my daughter Alison was only three years old, I was getting out a new loaf of bread to fix sandwiches. I asked her if she wanted the end piece as one of the slices in her sandwich. She looked at the bread and said, “Mommy, that’s not the end piece. It’s the beginning piece because it’s the first slice.”

That was over twenty years ago, and I still smile every time I think about it. And then I remember a second incident a short time later, when her child’s perspective surprised and delighted me.

We were on a rural country road, on the way to visit her grandparents. As we drove past a group of cows grazing on the hillside, Alison exclaimed, “Look, the cows are licking their toes!” She saw their heads down near their feet and never considered that they were eating grass.

Why do I remember these incidents so vividly? Not because they demonstrate Alison’s rich imagination. But because she had a fresh perspective about every-day things.

A young child’s mind isn’t cluttered with the rules and categories and explanations of an adult mind. So it’s easy for her to see ordinary things through innocent eyes and come up with different ways of looking at things.

Our adult perspective can cause us to overlook opportunities and new ideas. We’ve got an established way of looking at the world, which we constructed from our accumulated years of living. And we rely on that limited orientation when faced with a new challenge. The problem is, when we’re limited by one way of looking at things, we don’t even see, much less consider, other possibilities.

During a challenging environment like we’re in now, it’s more important than ever to use “fresh eyes” – a term I learned from one of my marketing mentors, Dan Kennedy.

We’re often too close to our work to see what’s obvious to someone else. We put on virtual blinders and charge ahead doing the same things we’ve always done, getting the same results. Instead, we need to remove the blinders and seek perspectives from people outside our industry or normal frame of reference.

Find out what it will take for you to get a fresh perspective on yourself and your work so you develop new strategies that lead to greater success.

Here are a few ways you can find those “fresh eyes”:

• If you’re not already involved with one, I strongly recommend that you join a group coaching or mastermind program. It will introduce you to new concepts and challenge you to get outside your comfort zone. The group members may offer innovative solutions to problem areas that have plagued you for years.
• Read publications and books outside your industry. As you study successes in other fields, as yourself, “How can I apply that idea in my professional or personal life?”
• Survey current and prospective customers to learn first-hand what they want and need that you can provide. You’re likely to get some ideas you hadn’t though of before.

If you start looking at things through “fresh eyes,” you are sure to uncover opportunities that can take you and your business to the next level of success. 

Please share a comment about when someone else's new perspective has helped you look at a situation differently.