How Assumptions Influence Our Behavior

Recently we had a strong storm pass through southeast Virginia. I was a little concerned about the road to my house while I was driving home from work. You see, that road has a low spot; and a rainstorm can cause flooding during high tide. Now when I say flooding, I don’t mean that cars are swept away. But water can cover the road at times like this.

As I turned onto the road, I saw water ahead, and there was a car stopped about 50 feet in front of the water. The woman driving that car would move forward slowly and then back up…and she did this three different times.

I could tell she wasn’t sure whether it was safe to drive through. Then she stuck her arm out the driver’s side window and waved it in the air. I wasn’t sure what that meant, so I waited to see what she was going to do next.

Randy Pausch Inspires Graduates

Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" became one of the most-watched videos on YouTube in 2007 as he inspired millions with his speech laced with humor, despite battling pancreatic cancer. He later published a best-selling book by the same name. In the spring of 2008, just two months before his death, he was invited to address the graduating class of Carnegie Mellon University, where he was a professor. In this 6-minute presentation, he encourages the audience to live fully and find your passion.



Randy truly left an inspiring legacy for his children and the rest of us.  

How can you live more fully, so when you reach the end of your life, you'll have no regrets about the things you did not do?

What My Daughter Taught Me about Listening

About 10 years ago, when my daughter Alison was in high school, she used to babysit after school to earn spending money. One afternoon she had a difficult situation with one of the children, and she was very upset when she got home.

As she started telling me about the details, I found myself jumping into problem-solving mode. I started asking a lot of questions, then suggested how she might have handled the situation differently. She kept trying to tell me about what had happened, and I continued to interject pieces of advice

Finally, Alison stopped me and said very emphatically, “Mom, I don’t need your suggestions. I had a horrible day. All I really wanted you to do is listen and be sympathetic. I’ve already taken care of this.”

Boy, did that stop me in my tracks. She was looking for understanding and compassion, and I fell way short. What she didn’t need at that moment was someone evaluating and criticizing her actions or giving her advice.

I am grateful to this day that Alison confronted me and stated so clearly what she was looking for. Most of the people we interact with every day aren’t this honest when we miss the mark. As a result, both parties can end up frustrated and disappointed. Here’s the insight I learned that day. 

Anytime someone wants to talk with you about a problem, don’t assume they’re looking to you for an answer. They may simply need a sympathetic ear or some encouragement.

One of our deepest human cravings is to be understood. When we feel that someone really “gets us,” we bond with that person in a meaningful way. So when someone comes to you with a problem, your goal is to express understanding of her situation and her feelings. While this may sound simple, it requires effort to set aside your need to give advice or try to solve the problem. If you listen and encourage instead of offering advice, the people you care about will be more likely to talk with you about the challenges they're dealing with. And your relationship will grow stronger.

Marshall Goldsmith and Feedforward

Marshall Goldsmith is one of the best-known executive coaches in America. I agree with his idea that you should focus on just ONE area at a time when you're working on self-development. And I love his approach for getting ideas from others - what he calls "Feedforward."



After watching this video, how about trying this exercise with people who are important to you? I bet you'll be surprised at all the great ideas you get. Let me know what you learn from the process!

And check out Feedback Wisdom From Marshall Goldsmith, a 12-minute video that overviews Goldsmith's best-selling book, What Got You Here Won't Get You There, and explains how our survey software, 20/20 Insight, can be used for both feedback and feedforward.

Feedback: A Gift Many People Reject

If you're like me, one of the hardest things you have to do in life is listen to someone tell you that you're not perfect. Now they don't come right out and say that, of course. Most take a more subtle approach. They point out something you've done - or haven't done - that they don't like.

The problem is, when you're receiving this kind of feedback, your natural inclination is to defend yourself. Explain your rationale for doing something. Make excuses. Often you're not listening because you're waiting for your turn to talk so you can justify your actions.

What you're really doing is rejecting a gift that someone is trying to give you. We all have blind spots, and this person is attempting to remove the scales that keep you from seeing yourself as others see you.

Think for a moment what's going on in the mind of the feedback giver before he speaks with you. Most likely, what you said or did has been bothering him for a while. He's spent time rehearsing how he's going to approach you and what he's going to say. It takes courage for him to bring a problem behavior to your attention, and he's not sure how you're going to react.

What if you simply said, "Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I didn't realize I did that."

Now you've defused a potentially confrontational situation and made it possible for dialogue to happen. You can calmly explore what aspects of your behavior have caused problems and what that person would like you to do differently.

Next time someone gives you constructive feedback, take this approach. I guarantee the outcome will be more positive than what you may have experienced in the past.

Inspiring Others: Wisdom from Harvey Mackay

I love these words from Harvey Mackay, one of my favorite business leaders:

"A mediocre person tells. A good person explains. A superior person demonstrates. A great person inspires others to see for themselves."

Too often, well-intentioned people give advice and think they're truly helping another person. I've certainly been guilty of doing that. And I have to admit that "mediocre" accurately describes the results I got from that approach.

When we were children, most of us didn't like to be told what to do. And as adults, we often interpret such an approach as condescending or corrective. It shuts down communication and prevents further learning by either person.

Today I'm eager to help "others to see for themselves." I believe the key to achieving that goal is asking questions. Not simple "yes" or "no" questions either. Questions that causes others to reflect on their situation and discover answers for themselves.

Next time someone is discussing a problem or challenge with you, resist the urge to tell them what to do. Instead, listen carefully to what they're saying and then ask questions to help them explore their feelings...their needs...and the possibilities. They will feel understood at the end of the conversation and will be more likely to act upon the insights they've discovered for themselves.

Encouragement at the Gym

I work out almost every week day at the gym. Twice a week I attend a class called Body Pump that uses a bar with weights to provide a solid workout for all parts of the body. As I've experienced different instructors, I realized something important about how encouragement works, even at the gym.

One instructor gives no feedback during the class. She simply describes the mechanics of what we need to do during any given set. But another one constantly watches us and shouts out positive statements like, "You guys are awesome, you look great!" or "Just one more set, I know you can do it!" At 5:00 AM, I can tell you the difference in the response from the group is remarkable. Everyone seems to be more energized by the second instructor, and I certainly enjoy my workout more when she leads the class.

That experience shows what a difference encouragement makes. We all have opportunities to offer encouragement throughout the day. And you never know what impact you might have on someone else. A word of encouragement you give today can live in another's heart for a lifetime.